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SAT essay. "Can succes be disastrous?"



BiteshockThreads: 1
Posts: 1
Author: Tuduce Antoniu
   
Apr 3, 2011, 04:06am   #1
Hello. I'm new here and I would really appreciate any help on my essay. Please be as strict as you can, i really need to improve. Thank you.

So, this is what I've got until now.

Success means achieving what you have planned, fulfill your dreams, getting higher and higher on the social ladder, all in all having the perfect life. But is this a real success? Can success be disastrous? As I see it, success can lead to disasters because of the sacrifices it involves.

In order to be successful people need to make some sacrifices. Some of them are minor like not having time to sleep until the middle of the day and some are major like not having time for your family and friends. Britney Spears, for example, had a huge success in her career as singer but because of that she disregarded her family and started a life of abuses.

Furthermore, when people have success they start to be arrogant and haughty, thinking that the only important persons are themselves. But they don't realize that the higher they are, the harder they fall. For example, my best friend's father was a successful investor very well known in the business market. One day he got an offer for an investment which everyone said is a bad one. Because of his pride, he didn't listen he colleagues warnings and invested all his money. But as expected, he lost everything including the fame and the respect from others, falling in disgrace.

In conclusion, we can see that success not always leads to happy endings so we must be cautious and wise in order to succeed.



butterbescotchThreads: 7
Posts: 55
Author: Rebenrio Traje
   
Apr 3, 2011, 08:37am   #2
fulfill your dreams, It should be fulfilling for the purpose of parallelism.

In order to be successful people need to make some sacrifices. Set off a coma between successful and people.

and started a life of abuses. I don't what to change here but it seems a bit wordy.

they start to be arrogant and haughty Put uncertainty like "may/might". Don't say the absolute since we all know not all portrays the same reaction.

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Increase the size of your conclusion.

There are some typo's. Re-read them.

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I do believe that the success can be disastrous. However, as you have said, the harder they rise then the harder they fall and the harder they learn.

Good Day! KIU!


ZubaidaThreads: 18
Posts: 59
Author: Zubaida Alsawadi
   
Apr 3, 2011, 08:48am   #3
I advised you to change your point of view in this paragraph, I think it is better to write in general than using the pronoun "you"
Success means achieving planswhat you have planned, fulfilling your dreams, getting higher and higher on the social ladder, all in all having the perfect life.

like not having time for your a family and friends.
he didn't listen to he his colleagues warnings

I hope this will help,
Good Luck


vafaThreads: 3
Posts: 18
Author: mahsa farajollahi
   
Apr 3, 2011, 10:22am   #4
Hi it was good. i think it would be better if you starter wit these :according to (name of one dictionary)success means...or for example in this way:(in the words of (name of famous person))




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