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Personal essay about myself - my identity



wemm3Threads: 1
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Feb 2, 2011, 01:36am   #1
Instructions were to write a personal essay on yourself. Anything about yourself is fine. So I wrote it but I have no confidence in personal essays, and English is my second language so... Can you please give me an opinion on it and if you could, can you also tell me the grammatical errors and tense errors? Thank you.

To many high school students, 'music', 'sports', 'hobbies' are the things that shape his or her identity. To me, my experience of living in the boarding house is a huge factor which shaped my personality, in another words my identity. I went there after failing to assimilate into another school in New Zealand. Because I was not a native English speaker, it was hard for me to make a friend in an English speaking county. But at the boarding house there were many other girls that were in a similar condition as I was, being born in a different county and not being able to speak in English. I made lots of friends and was able to lead a happy boarding life there. I was also able to learn many important life lessons too. Firstly, I came to value friends much more. Secondly, I realised the importance of a family. Lastly, living in a place full of strangers gave me a chance to recognise my bad sides. They all are the pieces that make me who I am now.

Firstly, my experience at the boarding house taught me to value friends more. If you were left without anyone you know well in a country you don't know much yet, you would usually feel lonely and homesick. But luckily, I was able to have a joyful boarding school life, thanks to my friends. Those 4 years I spent at the boarding house was like an endless school trip, chatting up till midnight. I shopped together with my roommates. Me and my friends did some silly things too, once in a while too, like dressing up at midnight just to take a photo Ė it may sound idiotic but it was amusing. My friends helped me so many times too. The senior students helped me when I was struggling with the homework. One of my friends who can speak Chinese helped me out when I couldn't understand certain vocabulary using Chinese characters. My friends gave me an advice when I was worried too. Through all this, I was able to learn the importance of a friend, and I came to value friends more.

Secondly, I realised the significance of my family to me. When I had just started to live in the boarding house, I became homesick. I couldn't get used to the surroundings and couldn't sleep much for days. I also disliked the unfamiliar food given at the boarding house. I missed my family so much and became depressed. But my parents supported me. They phoned me often, even though they were busy with work. When I was seeking an advice about school, they suggested me with good ideas. My father mailed a box filled with Japanese sweets, to the Japanese-food-hungry me. Without my parents support, I would have been depressed for the whole 4 years at the boarding house.

Lastly, I recognized bad characteristics of myself at the boarding house, where many other students live. I'm very stubborn. I get stubborn when I am choosing for something. For example, I had a small quarrel with my roommates about a shower time because I was being adamant with changing it. Another characteristic of myself I had realised is that I can get irritated quite easily. I get irritated when something is distracting me when I am concentrating. For example, I said some rude words at my friend who just came into my room when I was concentrating on my test studies. On top of that, I became aware that I am lazy. Once I was scolded for not doing the weekly duty allotted. I have recognized many bad parts of my identity, and I wish to change them in the future.

To conclude, I came to value friends and family with my boarding experience. The things I value is a important part of my identity. I also started to want to improve the bad characteristics of mine with this. So therefore, the boarding house is a significant experience which made me learn many important lessons and my bad traits.



EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Feb 5, 2011, 11:04am   #2
I want to find places to shorten sentence and build intensity in the writing:
To many high school students, music, sports, and hobbies are the things that shape his or her identity. To me, my experience of living in the a boarding house was a huge factor which shaped my personality. In other words, , in another words my identity.

... were many other girls that were in a similar condition, as I was, being born in a different county and not being able unable to speak in English.
When you end a sentence with "too" it is good to use a comma: My friends helped me so many times, too.


Lastly, I recognized bad characteristics of myself at the boarding house, where many other students live. I'm very stubborn. I get stubborn when I am choosing for something. For example, I had a small quarrel with my roommates about a shower time because I was being adamant with about changing it.

The last paragraph summarizes the ideas, but it should also add one last idea -- something extra for the reader to think about. :-)




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