My Rival
It is not difficult to find someone to admire and look up to, which is true in my case except for one part; the person I admire happens to be my rival. Tammy is a construction management graduate whom I have admired since elementary school. The concentrations she put into her major were so vividly shown that it is hard not to be captivated. Tammy is the kind of person who would not let herself gets bogged down because of minor mishaps, or that time was not on her side for completing a project. It is her motivation and passion that captivated me, and it was then that she became the sole figure in which I want to surpass.
Tammy was always working on some kind of project when ever I go to visit her. She would hover over the large table which contains multiple house plans and next to it would be a scaled model matching its every detail. Although it was incomprehensible to me at the time as to what she was doing, her enthusiasm and intensity for the work had captured all my intention. I would emerge myself in observing her very movement and only released my sight from her to blink my eyes. Tammy would work from one hour to the next with careful movement of clueing and measuring out the parts that would fit in the scaled structure. When she finished the work, she asked if I liked it or not. I did not answer her. I just stood next to it and stared at the small like doll house with its impressive design. I thought to myself, I would like to make one too. So I asked her if I could make one. Her answer was to take a class call Architecture when I enter high school.
Then high school came, and my long wait to attend the Architecture class became a reality in my sophomore year. The class was classified as Architecture I. It was a normal size class of 15 students chatted up the large room to a new pitch as if trying to obtain a new record for the intensity of their volume. Yet the calamity of the class did not seem to reach my ears. I was unaffected by everything; I was concentrating on the spacious room before me. I scanned the room from top to bottom carefully and slowly. My eyes were captivated by the numerous scaled houses like the ones that Tammy worked on. The room was filled with two-dimensional drawings that were tacked up on the walls and construction models of scaled houses were scattered on the large tables to one side of the class room. There were displays of various construction models made of all type of materials. It was wonderful and exciting feeling that tingled through my body. I have entered the world that Tamy is in, where imagination and creativity soars freely through the confined room.
I have a major problem... Its suppose to be 500 words maximum and I have reached 494 :} But I haven't written the conclusion yet
Could you advise on how to condense the essay and a suggestion on how to conclude the conclusion with details..:} thnx
I don't think this tell much about me...Its already 668 words, Please help.
except for one part; the person I admire happens to be my rival.
whom I have admired
let herself get bog down
he or she would find out that there was none
The year that changed my high school life
Your essay does not seem to have a specific point to me. You wrote too much about how the architecture class captivated you. You could try cutting that part down:)
Good luck:)
I agree with gracetm, you wrote too much about your architecture class. I think you need to concentrate more on your cousin and write more on how she impacted your life.
Good luck!
Her concentrations on her major was so vividly shown that it was hard not to be captivated. My cousin is the kind of person who would not let herself gets bogged down because of minor mishaps, or that time was not on her side for completing a project. It is her motivation and passion in her works that captivated, and it was then that she became the sole figure in which I want to surpass.
My freshman year's schedule included academic classes and a few electives that were regretfully chosen.
The year that changed my high school life started out as nothing more than just the academic classes and new electives.
My cousin had recommended the class when she heard my answer about how dull high school has been going for me during that summer.
It is not difficult to find someone to admire, and look up to but in my case the recipient of my admiration is an unlikely one : the person I admire happens to be my rival. Right here, you can give a sentence that captures the central meaning of the whole essay.. a reflective, philosophical sentence. This is the thesis.
Then, go on to the next paragraph:
My cousin is a construction management graduate ...
As you work on improving the essay, do so by keeping it consistent with this central theme. That is what makes a great, memorable essay.
Do you think I need to mention my cousin's name in the essay?
if you don't feel like it then you don't need to
just refer to her as your cousin. but then again, using names might make it sound more personal
just make sure you don't the adcoms confused. keep it same - either cousin or the name.
The class was classified as Architecture I
I was unaffected by everything; I was concentrating on the spacious room before me.
condense the above into one sentence.
I scanned the room from top to bottom carefully and slowly. ....The room was filled with two-dimensional drawings that were tacked up on the walls and construction models of scaled houses were scattered on the large tables to one side of the class room
bring the two parts together and,
There were displays of various construction models made of all type of materials .
delete this sentence.
This sentence below seems to be the main point of the essay, the core at the center:
It was her motivation and passion that captivated me, and it was then that she became the rival whom I want to surpass.
Or:
Her motivation and passion that captivated me, and it was then that she became the sole rival whom I want to surpass.
The essay is looking good!! Work on this last sentence, though:
I have entered the world that Tamy is in, where imagination and creativity soars freely through the confined room.
I don't know how to fix it, but the room is not "confined." Maybe you mean "claustrophobic" or something. But then, how could it flow freely? Not sure how to fix it... aybe just take out the word "confined" ...
For the last sentence, you could just go with "I have entered Tamy's world, where imagination and creativity soar free."
Good luck with getting in, the essay looks good
I really enjoyed reading your essay as well. I think you have a great chance of getting in with this essay!
Thanx
