IELTS: people's weight has increased, levels of health decreased; Solusions

plz help me correct this essay. many thanks!
Topic: In some countries people's weight has significantly increased while their levels of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem and what solutions can you suggest solving them?

Recently, in many countries around the world, people have faced with the situation of increasing weight and serious health problems. In this essay, I will discuss some reason and propose several solutions to this issue.

There are many explanations of why citizens' weight has significantly risen while the quality of health has been worse and worse. Firstly, in modern life, people tend to consume excessive junk food such as hamburgers, chips or gas drinks; which is highly available in the present day but less nutritious; thus, this can raise the risk of overweight and digestive disorders. Secondly, in sedentary life, the shortage of physical activities can lead to severe diseases such as heart stroke, diabetes and obesity as well. An evidence can be given is that many people, especially youngsters, now would rather play computer games or chat online with friends than do outdoor activities and sports. As a result, they have become heavier but more lethargic. Finally, negative thoughts caused by suffering from stress also make levels of health decrease.

To tackle these problems mentioned above, several measures should be done. Primarily, everyone ought to concern about their portion and ensure they eat a healthy diet. It means people must cut down on junk food and cigarettes and have a fully nourishing meal. Another justification is that we should participate in outdoor sports, and do exercises regularly. For example swimming not only allow our body to burn calories to lose weight but also make us more dynamic and more energetic. Besides it, attempting to think positively is essential in order to be wholesome. This can help us keep fit and alleviate health problems.

In conclusion, I believe that although the situation of overweight and poor health quality has occurred in many countries; we can still solve the problems by the solutions that I have suggested.

For example swimming not only allows our body to burn calories to lose weight but also makes us more dynamic and more energetic

tks.
can u give me more feedback?
actually, I've just learnt about writing essay for 3 months; and I think my English is not good enough to write a good essay. I really worry.

Thank for your advice. how about the body paragraphs? what do you think about it?

There are many explanations ofas to why citizens'people gain weight has significantly risen while the quality of health has been worse and worse.to an extent that it can cause serious health issues.

Your body paras are ok in terms of structure. However, you need to present your ideas with better clarity :)

I think this phrase has no values for this essay. Better omit it.



this is too common for words. You'd better use this: How can I best tackle this? <--- a question can be also used in the opening paragraph, linking the latter and the third para.

Well, I feel you need to get hold of a strong essay structure that helps you include all essential features that earn you marks as well as a structure that helps you manage time efficiently.