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People in our modern age stay longer than in the past generation



KengThreads: 40
Posts: 201
Author: Panyapon Chukate
   
Mar 3, 2011, 02:14am   #1
Sorry, this essay is very difficult for me and i can write only two paragraphs.
Can you help me write one more paragraph and revise all the essay.
I want feedback to improve my essay when i see this type of question.
Thank you

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of the phenomenon. Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay

I think that a lot people in our modern age stay longer than in the past generation. The development of sanitation and treatment plays an important role in extending the life span as well as better food production process. Technology is an important factor that prolongs people's life.

First, Advancement of the medical research can create new ways to maintain a good health.
Today, it is true that medical industry grows well and a lot of drugs are produced as a cure for the older. For example, natural vitamins are extracted into a capsule-like medicine and when the older take it, they feel more vigorous and active and do not have to sit on a chair.

Second, quality-control appliances are used to assess the food-making process.
In the past, we did not know about whether materials used are good or not and a lot of people are in bad health condition. Nowadays, many factories which get involved in the food manufacture employ a new technology to make sure that the older does not to eat food which contains unhealthy substances.

In conclusion, people in our generation are not worried about how long they live. When it comes to life, we make sure it does not cause us irritated. The technologies have extended life longer and change the way we think of death.



KathyLalaThreads: 21
Posts: 149
Author: Kathy Hinh
   
Mar 3, 2011, 07:11pm   #2
I agree with you "Technology is an important factor that prolongs people's life." Diseases are now controlled better than ever before. Imagine that a few decades ago, people hardly think of organ replacement. Now, doctors can replace some vital organs damaged beyond repair. Replacement or transplant of kidneys, hearts, and arthritic joints is possible and as not a wish anymore. For instance, in recent news, there is a man whose hand serverely damage in a train accident, with the help of modern technology, doctor can reattach the hand to the lucky victim. All of this amazing surgery is not done successfully without modern technology.

=> First, Advancement of the medical research can create new ways to maintain a good health.<= GOOD POINT, GIVE MORE DETAILS TO PROVE IT!(modern medicine improves our life rapidly-you can say some vaccines against common viruses. For example, smallpox (or chickenpox I think?), once a disease people lived in fear of, is virtually eradicated today. Babies from two months old are required vaccinations (I forget what name of that vaccines, sorry!!!!!!!!!!)

=> the olderS take it, they feel more vigorous and active.

For your second para, you can list some chemicals are prohibited to use for foods such as mercury,.....(something else too! sorry I forget its name). Some products have been recalled if they had sent out with a mistake. Do you remember eggs and beef have been recalled recently? you also can mention some food for animals now have been regulated because it is considered resulting of poor health for human if we consume

I hope my ideas may help!!!!


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Mar 9, 2011, 11:05am   #3
I like the way Keng used the word "stay." It is poetic and cool. But for improving clarity, let's make it "live"
...stay live longer than in the past generations.


Only capitalize the first word of the sentence:
First, Advancement advancement of the medical research can create new ways to maintain a good health.

In the past, we did not know about whether materials used are were good or not, and a...

lot of people are were in bad condition.

When it comes to life, we make sure it does not cause us irritated. ---This is a great sentence, but I am not sure what you mean.

You do not have a lot of errors!!




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