Hi, I read part of your essay and did some correction, I hope you don't mind. If you find my correction helpful, then I'll re-word the rest.
↓↓↓↓↓↓ Here's the first half of your original 2nd paragraph.↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
To begin with, we can see a lot of students in schools and universities (students and schools and universities? Here's little advice. I won't use structure like this. Basically, their meaning is similar.) that are always studying hardly hard and they spend most of their time on reading also some of them occupy their spare time with studying, too. (<< sorry, I do not quite understand this paragraph. A little bit wordiness, maybe with punctuation would be better.)
↓↓↓↓↓↓ Here's the re-wording.↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
There is no doubt that people can achieve their goals and aspirations by hard working, yet I believe sometimes there is something else that hindered from getting succeeded. There are some signs can prove it.
To begin with, we can see many students spend lots of time studying and doing their research even after school, which causes the mass of their spare time been occupied.
Here's another thing, I don't know whether the rules of IELTS is the same as TOFEL or not. Cause, it is discouraged to use Personal Pronoun in your essay. An academic essay better presented as objective instead of subjective, therefore, it is discouraged to use "we can see many students....", you can use "It is acknowledged that many students....."
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