I am writing a narrative paper and my grammar is really bad. I just want someone to critique my paper and let me know what you think. Thanks, India
Topic: Recalling an Experience
Purpose of the assignment: To develop narrative writing skills and self reflection.
The day was, as far as I can remember, like any other day. The sun was shining and it was recess time for all of my friends in the third grade. I can remember my best friend Patty, writing me a note at the beginning of class, stating how she wanted to play with me at recess. It was hard to concentrate on anything that Mr. Tomanio, my math teacher, was saying, because on nice days all I could think about was the sun shining on my face, playing kickball, or chasing the other children around the play ground. The bell finally rang after seeming like an eternity and I bolted towards the door. I couldn't move fast enough to get outside, as the other children swarmed quickly by me. As I entered the playground area, I looked around trying to find my friend Patty, but with all of the kids running everywhere, I couldn't find her. I started to go back inside the building to look for her, but I heard her calling, "India, India, where are you going?" I turned around to see her running towards me, laughing, with a bunch of my classmates following behind her. I liked hanging with Patty, she was pretty, funny, and liked by everyone.
Today, Patty was acting so giddy and wanted to know if I would play choo-choo train on the sliding board with them. Choo-Choo train was a game that was played at the top of the sliding board. The kids would inter-lock their arms and legs and go down the sliding board together. I told her yes, but was reluctant to play. First, I hated climbing the sliding board because it was so far up, and secondly I didn't want to be the locomotive. Patty said, "to be fair to everyone, we are going to draw straws to see who will be the locomotive and the caboose. Whoever draws the biggest straw will be the locomotive, and who ever draws the smallest straw is the caboose" I stood there with little beads of perspiration, hoping I would draw the smallest straw instead of the biggest one, my worst fears came true, I was going to be the locomotive. As I walked towards the sliding board, the lump in my stomach started to grow and I felt very nauseous. I started to think of ways to get out of being the locomotive. I thought about falling and saying I hurt my leg, saying my stomach hurt, (which was the truth), or saying I just wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to be called chicken or scary cat, so I climbed the steps of the sliding board.
Since I was the locomotive, I had to brace my legs on the bars and wait for the other children to pile in behind me. As the kids started to pile in behind me my legs started to get pinned down between the bars and I couldn't move it. I started to cry out for the kids to back up because I couldn't move my legs. The kids couldn't move back because more and more kids where piling in to form the train. I started to get scared because the pain in my leg was so intense and I started to panic. I eventually pried my leg free, but I couldn't get the other one free to go down the slide. I twisted my body and went over the side of the sliding board and hit the ground hard. All I can remember was waking up in the back of the ambulance and having a concussion. I was taken to the hospital, where a lot of tests were ran. Eventually, they released me and I went home to recuperate. During my week off from school, a lot of my friends made me get well cards and came to see me. Patty was so upset and felt bad about having asked me to play. I told her that it wasn't her fault and not to worry about it. I recuperated at home and returned to school, never to slide the sliding board again.
As I reflect on my experience, I now realize that peer pressure can be a very powerful thing, when you're a child. If I could do it again, I would know that if something doesn't feel right it's ok to say no. I now govern my life on doing things I want to do and not let others pressure me into anything that doesn't feel right or isn't right.
India Moore
The bell finally rang after seemingwhat seemed like an eternity and
I liked hanging out with Patty, she was pretty, funny, and well- liked by everyone.
I stood there with little beads of perspiration, hoping I would draw the smallest straw instead of the biggest one,However, my worst fears came true, I was going to be the locomotive.
I thought about falling and saying I hurt my leg, saying my stomach hurt, (which was the truth), or saying I just wasn't going to do it.but I didn't want to be called chicken or scary cat, so I climbed the steps of the sliding board.
During my week off from school, a lot of my friends made me get well cards and came to see me. Patty was so upset and felt bad about having asked me to play. I told her that it wasn't her fault and not to worry about it. How is this relevant to the point of your narrative
Hi India, overall your essay is pretty good. I would just suggest more reflection, as was asked for in the prompt because really there was about 3 sentences of reflection. Also, I would suggest that you look into how you separate your paragraphs and see if maybe by ending a paragraph somewhere else instead, it will give your story a better flow and make certain sentences have more impact.
Also, try to change the sentence structure around a bit so that the sentences don't always start with the same words or follow the same format
Often I tell people that giving the name of someone like Mr. Tomanio is an unnecessary detail. Here, it seems unnecessary for making the point of the essay, but... I think that for some reason it is good to have it. You have a nice way of telling the story.
play ground playground
This story is horrifying! That must have been traumatic...
I was taken to the hospital, where a lot of tests were ran run.
I think this is a good story, nicely fulfilling the requirements. It needs more imagery words, though -- colors, sounds, smells, textures... even a metaphor or simile to capture an image.
Nice job!
