Prompt: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence."
Many people view the game of basketball as a bunch of tall men manipulating an orange ball into a hoop for entertainment, but I see it in a different perspective. For example, many people are inspired by Dwyane Wade's fancy basketball moves, but I admire him because he was underrepresented with all the media attention going to Kobe and Lebron James. Instead of complaining, he worked hard and let the audience judge who the best player is. He went from a decent basketball player to a legendary player; illustrating anything is possible when you put the dedication and effort into your desire, and I took his advice.
As a child, I did not care about school. My grades were mediocre and my teachers would humiliate me by calling my parents or announcing my low exam grades in front of the class. All I learned in third and fourth grade (same teacher) was that my teacher could not resist herself from the janitor. Once the dismissal bell rung, my mind would wipe out the events that happened in the classroom and I would run out of school like a lion chasing a zebra. When I arrived home, I would eat like there was no tomorrow, and played video games.
On June 8th, 2006, I anticipated to watch the season finale of "According to Jim" on television, but was interrupted with a basketball game (game 1 of the NBA finals). The Dallas Mavericks (league favorites) won two games (seven game series) against the Miami HEAT (underdog) with ease. In the remaining five minutes of game 3, the Mavericks held a 13 point lead over the Miami HEAT. Many "HEAT fans" lost hope and started to exit the stadium, but the unimaginable occurred. Dwayne Wade would comeback from the 13 point deficit and won the game. In the next three games, Wade won those games, and received the NBA championship and finals M.V.P. With his help, the HEAT became the third team in NBA history to come back from a 2-0 deficit and win the championship in the finals.
The next day, I overheard my parents and their friends talking, and their friends said I will not make it to high school and they would offer me a job to be a busboy at their restaurant. Infuriated, I was about to throw my flying fists at them, but I decided to prove them wrong. As many people say success is the best revenge.
After my epiphany, I gave away my video games and limited all types of entertainment and focused on school. In the second year of middle school, many students were shocked at the marks I got; thinking how did "Dumbo" jumped from a 2.0 to a 4.0 G.P.A. within one year. My mentality was to be the best student in all of my classes; anything else would be unsatisfying. When graduation day was approaching in my final year at middle school, the principal called me into his office and announced that I will become the valedictorian of the school! While I was giving my speech, my adversaries had their heads down, but that made me happier. It is ironic because they used to look down on me (figuratively), but I'm looking down on them during graduation.
The passion and emotion he displays on the basketball court shows you he will never back down to a challenge even though if the odds are against him. It is amazing that watching his performance can change a person's entire life. At Binghamton University, I can use my potential to the fullest. Not only would I contribute to the school academically, but also participate in the community.
Please leave criticism, ways to improve it, etc. Appreciate it and thanks guys
Hi.
You have chosen to write about a pretty special character, and I would say that it is an eye catcher.
You have described how D-Wade came back from a 2-0 deficit and how you have improved your grades over these years. However, the way D-Wade win basketball and the way you have decided to work hard seemed to have little in common except your epiphany that
As many people say success is the best revenge.
, which did not come from D-Wade.
All I learned in third and fourth grade (same teacher) was that my teacher could not resist herself from the janitor.
mm clarify this a bit, I don't get this sentence here.
It is ironic because they used to look down on me (figuratively), but I'm looking down on them during graduation.
Do you have to say this?
If a person has influenced you, you need to show which aspect of him has inspired you to become a greater person. D-Wade won basketball games, so what? What qualities did you see in him? How have those qualities inspired you?
Despite that, the images you use are pretty funny. I lol when you say you want to throw flying fists at your parents friend.
G L~
thank you. Appreciate your comment. Anyone else please? PLEASE HELP. My future is in your hands!!!. Feel free to criticize about my grammar, sentence structure, etc.
...in from a different perspective.
Use not a semi-colon but instead a comma or dash, according to your preference:
He went from a decent basketball player to a legendary player, illustrating anything is possible when you put the dedication and effort into your desire, and I took his advice.
What advice? You heeded his example, but I don't see anything about advice...
When I arrived home, I would eat like there was no tomorrow and pla y video games.
Add a sentence to para #2:
Okay, paragraph 2 does not support the thesis. You should add a sentence to that paragraph so that it mentions that you needed an attitude adjustment about school and that it was this basketball player who gave you a good example. At least add a sentence to the end to indicate something about the fact that this poor attitude you used to have was what made it so important for you to see his example.
Add a sentence to the conclusion:
It is amazing that watching his performance can change a person's entire life. --- this is an important par!! Very gooe.
At Binghamton University, I can use my potential to the fullest. Not only would I contribute to the school academically, but also participate in the community. (this part needs some examples to illustrate what you mean. Tell them what it means for you to fulfill your potential. What is your plan for the future? What is the way that his example translates into your success? Add a little to that conclusion so that it is more meaningful and specific.
:-)
