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Now and then: the mass movement of people into the cities



Brandon ZhouThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Brandon Zhou     		Sep 1, 2010, 06:25am   #1
Question / Then and Now: The world has been transformed by the mass movement of people into the cities. Compare life before and after urbanization.

The world has been transformed by the mass movement of people to the cities. Compare life before and after urbanization. Urbanization happens both in developed countries and developing countries. Rapid urbanization brings many changes. In the developing countries, the changes are obvious. In China, there are both good changes and bad changes which lead to advantages and disadvantages. Although there are many disadvantages, urbanization brings more advantages.

There are many changes that are good because of the urbanization. For instance, in China, "Cities were far less in number than they have become today, were generally much smaller in population than now (although there were a few marked exceptions to that generalization) and were far more likely to be more deeply embedded in the present society from which they sprang."(Luca N. Wagner, 2008). Urbanization changed the life of normal people. There are an increasing number of people live in a modern life. They use more electric equipment than before such as televisions, computers as citizens. The job opportunities increased. Many people no longer work in the field just to feed their family but live in the modern city and living by working in offices, earning money by using their knowledge. Before living in cities, most of people just live as a farmer but now there are various jobs people can chose to do as long as they have enough ability. By doing jobs they are enjoyed in, people can live happier than the time people only can do boring jobs. Young people can be educated better for many schools with nice equipment to improve the quality of teaching. By having a good education, the cities and the country can develop much faster than before. Before the urbanization, student cannot get enough knowledge to bring them to higher education which leaded a slower development.

Bad changes are serious in China. The most serious problem is the destruction of the environment. As lots of people moving in to cities and lots of countryside becoming cities, more nature resources were used to provide energy for the using of cities and after the over using and wasting, few resources are left for future people. Forest is disappearing, which leads kinds of results like green house effect. Cars also can pollute. Larger population means lower level of life. Because of the number of citizens is increasing, no one wants to be farmer any longer so the lack of food is another problem. Also living in cities, people have more possibility to be unhealthy. "As regards health of urban residents, there will continue to be concerns as "Disease of Affluence" exist side-by-side with "Diseases of Poverty" (Cook and Dummer, 2004).
Some people said that because of the bad effect it is better that urbanization had not happened. But I do not think so. Comparing the good changes and bad changes, I believe that good things work more. Urbanization is certain of history. It brings many changes to our daily life. Although it does not do everything well, urbanization is nice to our human beings.


Reference:

Urbanization: 21st century issues and challenges (2008)
Luca N. Wagner books.google.com.hk/books?id=6mH__1c3ZRgC&printsec=frontcover&d q=urbanization&hl=zh-CN&ei=UyF2TPbmN46GvAODivXGBg&sa=X&oi=book_result
ryutei133Threads: 5
Posts: 32
Author: ryutei YU     		Sep 2, 2010, 12:18am   #2
hi!

Personally, I think the structure of your second paragraph is not tight enough. If I were you, I would add some conjuctions or adverbs to connect those different "advantages."
for example,
Brandon Zhou:
They use more electric equipment than before such as televisions, computers as citizens. The job opportunities increased.

...as citizens. In addition/Besides, the opportunities of working increased.

I'm not an expert, but I hope it would help. Good luck! :-)
Brandon ZhouThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Brandon Zhou     		Sep 2, 2010, 06:56am   #3
Thank you and I will try your way.
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]    		Sep 2, 2010, 04:30pm   #4
Brandon Zhou:
Although there are many disadvantages, urbanization brings more advantages.

I think this sentence should be a little bit longer so that it can give an idea about why you feel this way. That way, the whole essay will be clearer.

That is how to make the thesis sentence more meaningful.

What abut the topic sentences? The topic sentence is the first sentence of a paragraph. I think your topic sentences should be longer so that they will say something about the main point of the paragraph. For example:

There are many changes that are good because of the urbanization, and they all increase efficiency in ways that improve people's lives.


There is an increasing number of people live in a modern life. ---- this is a mistake people make all the time, and it is not a bad mistake.

Be careful about verb tense:
Before the urbanization, student could not get enough knowledge to bring them to higher education which leaded led to a slower development.

:-)
Brandon ZhouThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Brandon Zhou     		Sep 3, 2010, 01:13am   #5
Thank you Kevin.
Tonight I will hand in my 2nd draft.
Your advise really gave me a great help.
My teacher told me that I didn't have enough example.
So, how can I add my examples?
Thank you.
cf1916Threads: 5
Posts: 35
Author: Chun Yin Choy     		Sep 3, 2010, 03:51am   #6
I think you have reapeated many vocabulary. Such as
1. changes
2. advantages and disadvantages
etc

If you use the same word too much, reader may think that you lack of vocabulary.
I suggest you may use "pros and cons" to replace "advantages and disadvantages" and "alternations" to "changes"

Remember try to aovid using the same word if you can

In general, your content is good. I love it.
Brandon ZhouThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Brandon Zhou     		Sep 3, 2010, 05:44am   #7
There are many things have to be changed and I will try my best to do it.
Brandon ZhouThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Brandon Zhou     		Sep 3, 2010, 10:47am   #8
Thank all of you.
The more help I get, the higher grade I will get.
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]    		Sep 5, 2010, 08:39am   #9
I was just looking at this sentence, and I thought I should make a change:
Some people say that because of the bad effects it would be better if urbanization had not happened.
Now the sentence above is perfect. People "say" (in the present verb tense). Also, it "would be" better if...

Now, how about examples? I think you can easily find many examples of good and bad consequences of urbanization. It makes life more interesting, but also more complicated. For example, it makes people able to communicate, advertise, and go from place to place very easily, but it also makes everything easier for people's competition in business, so everything becomes more competitive!

To think of examples, just look at how things were different in the past than they are today.....

:-)
Brandon ZhouThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Brandon Zhou     		Sep 5, 2010, 10:43am   #10
It is making the list of references makes my work more difficult.
You know, sometimes, it is not easy to find where the idea comes from.
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]    		Sep 7, 2010, 11:15am   #11
Oh... yes, you will have difficulty as long as you come up with ideas first and then look for articles. That is the wrong way.

The right way is to read through 4 or 5 articles about this topic, and cite them as you go along. Do you know what I mean. Writing a paper is just a sophisticated way of READING articles. So, start with reading.

That way you will not need to do a scavenger hunt for citations.


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