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Motivations of buying a product - Toefl Essay


toefl_guy 4 / 2  
Oct 13, 2008   #1
Below is the topic of the essay. I am not sure about the way I started the essay by saying "I strongly agree". Please let me know your views about it and comments about the essay also.

Do you agree or disagree that "some people buy product not because they want, but because other people use it"?

I strongly agree that some people buy some products without their actual need of them, but just because other people use it. Some people have the habit of searching in the internet "What is the today's hot product?" while some people have the habit of going to their neighbor's house to find out the product which they bought recently. eventually, the aim is to get the product which other people bought, no matter whether it is useful or not.

I know a girl who spends her money lavishly for getting some new things every week. Her name was Brenda. Every time I look at her new things, I felt familiar about the product. But I am sure that is a new product. Yes it had the price tag on it for the first day she uses it. Sometimes I felt crazy about myself for not remembering about the product she had bought recently. But one day, I had a casual chat with her. She was wearing a black long coat which she bought in the last weekend shopping. The coat was amazing but it doesn't suit her well since she was a bit short and primarily it is not needed here in a place where sun boils the blood. I asked her, "Where you bought this coat?". Sometimes, girls talk so lengthily that no one can stop them. She said the complete story of how she made her mind to buy that from the inspiration of a tall American girl named Linda who is actually in a cold place where she needs that kind of long coat. Oops! I got it now, the bag she bought last week was like the bag that Katherine had and the ear ring was like Bruno's. Brenda felt so bad as many of her friends already told her that the coat doesn't look good for her. She would have been looked better in a short sleeve coat which is actually required for this climate. I too felt sorry about her and went home early.

The following week, I happen to meet her again with a new leather jacket which was hanging on her arm. Why cannot she wear it? I hope everyone knows the answer. Yes, there are people who are willing to buy things just because others are having it, no matter they hang the product in their arms or in their terrace without using it.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 13, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

The first thing I notice here is that the essay wanders a bit. For instance, "Her name was Brenda." Is this absolutely necessary for this piece? Or, "Sometimes, girls talk so lengthily that no one can stop them." Statements such as these are distracting and can lose your reader. Try to stay on the topic of your opinion and the prompt throughout the piece.

Mechanically, a few suggestions:

"I asked her, "Where you bought this coat?"

"...product in their arms or on their terrace..."

You give a very good example here, and your conclusion is very good. I think once you clean it up a bit and make sure everything contained in the piece is relevant, it will be much nicer.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP toefl_guy 4 / 2  
Oct 14, 2008   #3
Thanks Gloria!
Your comments are really helpful.

Regards,
Prakash


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