Some modern artist receive huge sums of money for the things they create, while other struggle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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Artist is a sort of high paid profession. It is seemed an unfair situation as many other people must struggle to survive then not paid as much energy they spend. However, government does not seem to have to take responsibility in this case due to some reasons of the high amount of salary the artist got. The great effort of preparation and high amount of time used in this job will show this.
It is understandable that a high number of citizens are still on the poverty zone that they must struggle to fulfill their daily need. Generally, a secretary must handle hundred pages of file in everyday in order to be paid only approximately 5 million rupiahs. Furthermore, a portmanteau is only able to get no more than 50.000 per day after singing many songs in a very blazing weather on the road.
However, we must notice that the artist does not achieve her or his success instantly, meanwhile a very long and complex challenge had been subjected. A professional singer who is paid 10 million rupiahs after singing one song had experienced in struggling to master many kinds of singing techniques, stage performance, and other supported lessons for their career. This previous effort is extremely different to the carrier chronology of an unprofessional singer. So, I think the amount money they get is the pay of what they have battle for, then it is not a crucial thing which a council must involve to solve.
Furthermore, an actor or actress must spend more than 12 hours per day for movie shooting. The length of their work time is quite more challenging that what a secretary must do. Then, it will be very reasonable if they are paid 5 times higher than the amount of a secretary gets. Looking at this view, the government is clearly not required to change this situation.
In summary, the great challenge of preparation process and the length hour working of an artist must face make them reasonable to be paid much more expensively. Thus, the government does not need to create any program to balance their situation. After analyzing this subject, it is highly suggested that in order to be paid greatly, we must conduct a great effort as well.
Artist is a sort of high paid profession.
Well, this sentence has a fundamental error. Artist is a person and not a profession. You can say," I am an artist by profession" or " I am a professional artist". But you cannot say "Artist is a highly paid profession". Also, this is somewhat an imbalanced generalization. Some artists are really rich, but many others are really poor. It is actually the issue of this topic too.... I think this is not a very good hook for you to start with.
eddies [Contributor]
25 / 1,208 
476 Overall, you write this essay with very good mechanics. However, your ideas are off-topic :(
The question says that "
Some modern artist
" Which modern artist?
while otherstruggle to survive
Which 'others'? What a struggle for survival?
Let's try one paragraph:
It is understandable that a high number of citizens are still on the poverty zone that they must struggle to fulfill their daily need. Generally, a secretary must handle hundred pages of file in everyday in order to be paid only approximately 5 million rupiahs. Furthermore, a portmanteau is only able to get no more than 50.000 per day after singing many songs in a very blazing weather on the road.
This para comes out nowhere. Why? all green phrases do not get through on the question.
Read as many authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. Reading authentic texts gives you some new ideas about different topicsDumi and eddies have already given you best advice. Hope you pay attention to them. In addition, I feel you should stick to the 4 para structure. I doubt whether you were able to manage time for this task - seems a bit lengthy. Did you finish it on time?
Hi, Misnariah
Let me break down the prompt
Some modern artist receive huge sums of money for the things they create, while other struggle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The task require you to compare about the huge sums of modern artist (person) with others which used to be struggle (I note this in the field of earning money), then it asked you to give your opinion about government step, it should take a responsibility to make the earning between the aforementioned similar and vice versa
Overall I agree that you good structure and also rich of idea in this essay, :D
