Hi you all! I'm newbie and this is the first time I post my essay, so I hope that you all will help me make it better.
Thanks you all very much. And here is it:
If I could be a famous athlete, this would sure be Michael Jordan, the best basketball player of all time because for me, he is a very talented, successful, and inspiring player.
First, Jordan is a talented athlete. He practiced very hard, played devotedly as if he was born to play basketball, and was as competitive as any one I ever witnessed. He wanted to win every game he played. He was perhaps the only one having no real weakness: he was the best offensive player ever, the second best defensive one (only after Bill Russel.)
Second, he is a legend with the giant achievement. Considered the best basketball player of all time, Jordan dominated the sport for than a decade (from mid-1980 to 1990s). He led his team, Chicago Bulls, to six national championships as well as earned the NBA Most Valuable Player Award five times. He also got ACC player of the Year in 1984, NBA All-Rookie of the Year in 1985 and more.
Finally, Jordan is the best inspiring player ever. He made his teammates way better than they were. He had a huge impact on not only basketball that every opponent on the court always wants to pass his achievement but also the whole sports world via advertising and marketing for Nike, Coca-Cola... More than that, he stimulates the young, like me, to reach our dreams to be such a great player.
In brief, Michael Jordan is an image of success, talent, and inspiration. Therefore, a meeting with him could be the best luck for me to know his view of life, how he could be such a great athlete, and more importantly, meeting with the one who inspires you is always great.
If I could be a famous athlete, this would sure be Michael Jordan, the best basketball player of all time because for me, he is a very talented, successful, and inspiring player.
Suggested edit:
If I could meet any famous athlete I would want to be Michael Jordan. I believe that he's one of the best basketball players of all time. Not only is he an inspiring player, but he's also very talented and also very successful.
Your original would sentence was a run-on. Also, the topics says "If you could meet..." however, you put "If I could be.." I believe you meant if you could BE Michael Jordan, so I fixed that for you. I just noticed that mistake! :o
First, Jordan is a talented athlete. He practiced very hard, played devotedly as if he was born to play basketball, and was as competitive as any one I ever witnessed. He wanted to win every game he played. He was perhaps the only one having no real weakness: he was the best offensive player ever, the second best defensive one (only after Bill Russel.)
You don't have to put "first" or "second" in your essay--just write. The reader should know how many points you are making just by reading your essay. :). You can omit the word "first" and just go right into what would make you want to be Michael Jordan. And you can combine the following sentences after that, so it should look something like this Jordan is a talented athlete because he practices very hard and is devoted to playing basketball. It appeared as though he was born to play basketball. --and that sentence, you can continue on with the following sentences.
You may want to sharpen up your sentence structure.. Maybe switch up the words a bit? Instead of using "he" so many times, you can put in his name.
Second, he is a legend with the giant achievement. Considered the best basketball player of all time, Jordan dominated the sport for than a decade (from mid-1980 to 1990s). He led his team, Chicago Bulls, to six national championships as well as earned the NBA Most Valuable Player Award five times. He also got ACC player of the Year in 1984, NBA All-Rookie of the Year in 1985 and more.
Once again, omit "second". Maybe include a transition sentence so that readers can ease into more reasons why you'd want to be Michael Jordan (forgive me--I'm not too sure how to spell his first name).
Omit "finally" from the following paragraph and include a transition sentence. Also, omit "In Brief" from the conclusion-. Remember: using transitions could help more than numbering your reasons!
Hope I helped a bit! Happy Writings!
