"Learning a Lesson"
On a crispy, sunny day, who knew what would go wrong? That's what happened to me, a nine year old girl. It all started in the morning, with a humongous stomach ache like fire in my tummy.
"Mom," I complained, "I don't feel well."
"Awe...don't worry everything will be fine if you swallow this herbal medicine," she said.
"Ughhh...fine!" I replied.
After, I followed her procedure, I waited for the moment when everything would be allright, and I would be ready to enjoy this beautiful day with my friends.Unfortuately, it was the opposite, instead of getting better it got worse! As I came out of the shower I felt hot, possibbly hearing a rushing sound, dizzy, and seeing spots.
Splash, Splash! Water? My family was tumbling between a cliff and ocean.
I'll phone the paramedics," said my dad.
Just going with the flow, I heard my dad call 911, and just three seconds after that the paramedics came racing by with its siren as loud as a helicopter.
One by one they came out to rescue.
"Hi, our names are Joe, Bob, and David," they said as if on cue.
While my dad asked questions about my disaster got wheeled in. I was on my way to the Kaiser Permanente Hospital. As I came out of the van, I heard the loud crying of my...mom! I could certainly not bare looking at her! It was just too sad.
As a usual check-up, they weighed me, took my height, and checked my temperature, (which happened to be a bit high!)
"Are you still feeling dizzy?" one of the nurses asked.
"Ummm...kind of," I admitted.
They kept me there for two ˝ days. After this intensive treatment, I was discharged from the hospitale.Moreover, my pediatrician explained, "A person can survive up to four weeks without food but no longer than three days without water."
At this point of my life I learned a very important life-long lesson; Drinking water is very essential to my health.First off, a good essay... that is, if you ARE nine years old. However, your ideas lack structure. I did not understand how not enough water had led to a stomachache and how you could still lack water after stepping into a shower. Perhaps your essay would be more coherent if you mentioned how you did not drink much water for the past few hours because you were busy playing outside.
And finally I would like to remind you that your essay, since it is about YOU, should be realistic. I don't know about you, but I have never seen an ambulance pull up at my house just three seconds after I make a 911 call. It usually takes them three seconds to comprehend what I am saying, and probably another ten more to make a call to the closest ambulance available. So remember, be realistic with your approach to telling the narrative. Three minutes or maybe ten minutes would seem more realistic than three seconds. Three seconds: That's how long it would take for you to read this paragraph.
Best of Luck :)
"Hi, our names are Joe, Bob, and David," they said as if on cue.
I don't think they all spoke this sentence, so don't use " " marks. You can just keep it simple and write: They introduced themselves to me as Bob, Joe, and David.
allright -- alright
Hey, all you did was relate the story. Can you use it as a source of insight about other aspects of life? Is it just about the importance of drinking water, or can you find some other life lessons to be learned from it? I bet you can make a connection between this lesson and lessons learned in college, for example.
