Here is my essay. Please to correct it! Thank you very much!
Topic: Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time.
Discuss two views and give your opinion.
Along with the unimaginably rapid development of society, an overwhelming number of people find it difficult to shut off from demands of work and receiving education, consistently enjoy a little of that precious commodity, leisure - freely disposable time that we can use as we choose. Needless to say, how to use leisure time is persistently inextricable question. Whether spending the pastime on intellectual activities boosting the mind like reading books and doing word puzzles or exploiting the time by taking a rest has aroused considerable controversy. Before giving my personal perspective, I will discuss both points of view.
The first truth that can be seen by every person is that resting in mind plays a primary role to entirely recover all the body functions and refresh our thinking after being tied up with a backlog of work at the office. Naturally, the brain is likely to be an organism of the body, which need time to eliminate daily stresses and strains which easily leads to some chronic diseases if they are over accumulated, such as neurotic psychosis or obsession with every step in the life. As reported in an empirical research, the majority of Australians tend to lay themselves down on the couch and turn on the TV in the expectation that they can feel relaxed and gratifying entertained to compensate for their non-discretionary hours of work.
Nevertheless, there is another thing that deserves some words here. Activities that combine intellectual stimulation with relaxing, such as reading books or doing word puzzles, not only bring proportionately greater enjoyment and lasting gratification but also enhancing some certain skills necessary for the modern life without giving much consideration because in this cases the brain is kept acting at lower capacity. For instance, reading books helps us broaden our horizon, improve language skills and fertile our souls by drawing a largely colorful picture of life through imaginative thoughts. By the same token, playing funny word puzzles, especially with friends, can definitely keep us cheerier as well as we will get much more satisfaction. Furthermore, putting efforts in solving puzzles is a way to train ourselves to deal wisely with many troubles and embarrassment situations occurring in diverse circumstances.
From what has been discussed above, I think that no way is better than the other. Each one is appropriate for various cases. If I am in the state of being exhausted and running out of energy after a long working day, the best choice is spreading myself in the bed or doing nothing to take a rest. On other hand, provided that I do not stick into my job, I will challenge myself with puzzles or pursue some outside activities most suited to my natures, my talents, or even my whims.
preciouscommodity, leisure
.... commodity? I think this word really doesn't go with this idea :( ... I prefer the word "activity" because leisure in any sense is not a commodity.
The first truth that can be seen by every person is that resting in mind plays a primary role to entirely recover all the body functions and refresh our thinking after being tied up with a backlog of work at the office
Your sentences tend to be a bit too long. Then reader has to put effort keep memorizing what you said in the early part of your sentence. This disturbs his interest and your flow too.
Overall, this is a good essay; It seems you have a good understanding about the essay structure too. :)
Naturally, the brain is likely to be an organismorgan of the body, which need time to eliminate daily stresses and strains which easily leads to some chronic diseases if they are over accumulated, such as neurotic psychosis or obsession with every step in the life.
.... Why sound vague? Tell it straight - Brain needs some rest! It is a fact that everybody agrees upon!
Brain, the most important organ of the human body, needs some rest in order to function properly. This helps one to get rid of stress and strain.As reported in an empirical research, the majority of Australians tend to lay themselves down on the couch and turn on the TV in the expectation that they can feel relaxed and gratifying entertained to compensate for their non-discretionary hours of work.
... good example :)
