Well, there are many grammatic errors in the essay. Here are a few examples,
1.
most of the time people are engaged by their jobs or education
people are busy engagin in their jobs and educaiton.
or people spend most of their time on doing their jobs or receiving education.
2.
the next question arises of how they should spend this time in a useful way?
you can say it like this : when it comes to the question how they are expected to full utilize their free time, people hold divergent opinions.
your second paragraph is well organized, and the examples are also quite reasonable to testify the position of this paragraph.
Anyway, i guess this essay can get a band of 5.5 to 6.
Keep the good job.
:)