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LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper.



BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Oct 16, 2009, 04:39am   #1
TOPIC : LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE


Imagine finding the ....

SEE BELOW



EF_SeanThreads: 6
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Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
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Oct 16, 2009, 06:15am   #2
Brianne:
Imagine


Okay, the repetition works for awhile, but you draw it out a bit too long. Try making the one where you switch from positive to negative your last one.

The rest of your paragraph is wordy. Tighten your writing wherever possible. For instance:

Before: "The United States is currently on a debate over the legalization of same sex marriages. Several issues are to be taken into consideration in this debate."

After: "The debate over same-sex marriage in the U.S. involves several issues."

You can do this for pretty much every couple of sentences. Also, perhaps you should start by looking at *why* mixed-sex married couples are given benefits. That would seem to be an obvious starting point. Is it in fact because doing so "supports procreation." If so, can you reasonably argue that same-sex marriages have the same potential to support procreation? If so, how? If not, then how is denying same-sex marriage discriminatory rather than a simple recognition of reality? Or is there some other reason why married couples get benefits? For that matter, would married couples get benefits if it wouldn't be political suicide to eliminate them? That is, is it the case that marriage itself is no longer particularly socially valued except for reasons of tradition? After all, equality in this area could also be achieved by simply not giving any benefits to any married couples.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Oct 17, 2009, 04:57am   #3
How to switch from positive to negative? Can you help me please. Can you be the one to revise my introduction?


EF_SeanThreads: 6
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Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
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Oct 17, 2009, 08:40am   #4
No. I can be the one to give you advice on how *you* should revise your introduction, though. As for the positive to negative thing, I just meant that you should do something like this:

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see him or her. Imagine your life feeling complete whenever you are around them and be willing to give everything for them. Imagine being happier than you have ever been in your life. Imagine wanting to share your life with them forever through sickness and in health. Imagine wanting to pronounce your love through marriage. Imagine your own government taking away your right to do this, not allowing you to get married, to start a family, or to receive the same treatment and benefits all other couples receive, just because the person you are in love with happens to be the same sex as you.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Oct 19, 2009, 05:07am   #5
Thanks You! :D


EF_StephenThreads: -
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Author: Stephen, EssayForum.com
   
Oct 19, 2009, 09:36am   #6
It would help, too, if there were several paragraphs instead of just one. Break this into sections and work with each one as you go. You might find it an easier go if you do that.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Oct 29, 2009, 05:06am   #7
This would be the next paragraph. Please check my work.

America's Constitution ...

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EF_SeanThreads: 6
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Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
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Oct 29, 2009, 06:30pm   #8
This is a very well-written paragraph. What a pity you didn't write it:

You: "Some of the rights and benefits for married couples that are denied to same sex couples include property rights, health care benefits, child custody, immigration, inheritance, and hospital visitation."

The website you copied it off of (http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/law/gay_marriage/states.html ): "The types of rights and benefits for married couples that are denied to same-sex couples include property rights, health care benefits, child custody, immigration, inheritance and hospital visitation."

This is not only plagiarism, it is stupid plagiarism of the easily detectable type, which is likely to get you a grade of 0 on the assignment and a reputation for academic dishonesty. You could have just cited this, you know, and still used it as a quote. Then you would have been engaging in good academic research.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Oct 29, 2009, 09:17pm   #9
Sorry. I forgot to cite the source where I got it from.

This would be the next paragraph that comes after. Please kindly check my work.

It is believed by many that homosexual couples already received the same equal rights as everyone else because some view homosexuality as a choice in lifestyle. The exact cause for one's sexual orientation has been debated. According to Britannica Encyclopedia, "Homosexual orientation, like sexuality in general, apparently results from a combination of hereditary factors and social or environmental influences and it tends to coexist with heterosexual feelings in varying degrees in different individuals". However, several others believe homosexuality to be a personal choice. Several religions also believe that everyone has the ability to be heterosexual, but some people choose to "sin" or perform in homosexual activities. It would not make sense to change the laws of marriage to include people who chose a different lifestyle; however, evidence today is suggesting otherwise.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Oct 31, 2009, 04:29pm   #10
...because they view homosexuality as a...

Later on in this paragraph, you say, "However, several others believe homosexuality to be a personal choice," but you already said that.

I think you might be making writing harder than it has to be. When you write a paragraph, think of it as a great celebration of a single idea. The paragraph is an explanation for its topic sentence.

If you think that way, it might help you a lot.

Oh, I notice you use repetition too much in that introduction... too much "imagine." Only two or three times would be better.

I think you can do a great job with this if you read some articles people have written about the issue. Read a few online! Good luck!!!!


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 1, 2009, 06:13am   #11
I noticed that too, but I'm kinda having a hard time on shortening it. If you're in my place, how would you write it?


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 1, 2009, 07:41pm   #12
In formal academic writing, contractions are not allowed. But what if my sentence goes like this:

"The exact cause for one's sexual orientation has been debated."

How will I remove the contraction?


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Nov 3, 2009, 03:24pm   #13
Semi-colons!!! :-)

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see him or her -- life feeling complete whenever you are around them and be willing to give everything for them; being happier than you have ever been in your life; wanting to share your life with them forever through sickness and in health; wanting to pronounce your love through marriage; your own government banning you from pronouncing your love through marriage. Imagine not being allowed to get married, start a family and receive the same treatment and benefits all other couples receive, all because you are in love with someone the same sex as you.

(new paragraph)

The United States is...


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 6, 2009, 08:02am   #14
I have revised my introduction. Please check:

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine being happier than you have ever been in your life, and wanting to share your life with him or her forever through sickness and in health. Imagine wanting to pronounce your love through marriage. Imagine your own government taking away your right to do this, not allowing you to get married, or to receive the same treatment and benefits all others couples receive, just because the person you are in love with happens to be the same sex as you. The debate over same sex marriage in the United States involves...

SEE BELOW


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Nov 7, 2009, 12:06am   #15
This is powerful! Great job, the work you did paid off.

As marriage supports procreation and society recognizes the significance of each other's spouse, married couples receive several benefits from the government.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 7, 2009, 06:30am   #16
Thank you very much.

I am currently fixing the body of my argumentative paper.

Please check the last two paragraph first:

SEE BELOW

America has struggled through many controversies, especially over equal rights. The definition of marriage and concerns for procreation and parenting discourage the legalization of same sex marriages, but it is important to recognize the discrimination same sex couples face as they try to live a normal life with separation of church and state. Evidence suggesting one's sexual orientation is biological and homosexual parenting may be beneficial or insignificant in the raising of children is discriminating. As more homosexual couples fight for their rights to have family and live normal lives, the issue of legalizing gay marriages will continue to strengthen. It is now up to America to agree upon a compromise of the two sides and legalize civil unions for same sex couples. It is up to America to allow civil unions to grant same sex couples the same benefits married couples receive. Without the change, the debate will continue to grow and discrimination against same sex couples will continue to hold them back from receiving the same respect and rights all Americans deserve to have.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Nov 8, 2009, 03:02pm   #17
...should be able to do so without worrying about being denied the rights of the married.

I think you should start a new paragraph with, "A possible solution..."

...they will continue to strengthen the argument supporting their side of the issue of legalizing gay marriage. will continue to strengthen.

You have worked very hard on this!! I hope it is received well. :-)


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 11, 2009, 05:11am   #18
I really hope I receive a good grade for this.

Today, I had consulted my professor and she said that my thesis statement is too long: "Despite the arguments against same sex marriages stating it is impossible by definition, a personal lifestyle choice, and encourages a bad environment to raise children; same sex marriages should be legalized because people are being denied both equal rights and the separation of the church and state, plus, same sex parenting has not shown significant negative impacts on children."

and she said that I need to make it shorter and she suggested it to be:

"Same sex marriages should be legalized because people are being denied both equal rights and the separation of the church and state."

Can someone help me make this thesis statement parallel. "...both equal rights and the separation of the church and state."

and another question, should I take the thesis statement she suggested? Is it a strong thesis statement or weak?

If you were in my place, what would you do? If you will not take her suggestion, how would you revise my thesis statement?

Please help me. I only had 2 weeks left for my paper.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Nov 12, 2009, 07:23am   #19
"Despite the arguments against that same sex marriages is stating it is impossible by definition, a personal lifestyle choice, and encourages a bad environment to raise children, same sex marriages should be legalized because people are being denied both equal rights and the separation of the church and state; additionally, same sex parenting has not shown significant negative impacts on children."

I fixed it up, above, but I think the teacher is right about it being too long. You can explain the reasons people argue against it later. For the thesis sentence, just write your 2 reasons for arguing in defense of same sex marriage.

This statement is already good: "...both equal rights and the separation of the church and state." People are being denied both of those ideals, so I think you wrote it will. It is not a place for parallelism.

I always think you should take the teacher's advice, because taking advice is a way to show respect and appreciation: "Same sex marriages should be legalized because people failure to legalize it denies people equal rights and interferes with the separation of the church and state."

You have a 3rd reason, too -- that it does not negatively impact parenting -- but you can mention that in the paragraph where you refute the counterargument. Do you know what that means? In the second-to-last paragraph, essay writers sometimes explain the opposite argument and why it is wrong... so that is a good place for your observation that same sex marriage does not negatively affect parenting.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 13, 2009, 03:50am   #20
Thank you so much Sir Kevin. I really appreciate the help you're giving me.

Here is my final revision of my introduction: Please check if I my sentences are choppy, and if I'm writing academically. Thanks in advance.

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine being happier than you have ever been in your life, and wanting to share your life with him or her forever through sickness and in health. Imagine wanting to pronounce your love through marriage. Imagine your own government taking away your right to do this, not allowing you to get married, or to receive the same ...

SEE BELOW


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Nov 14, 2009, 04:02pm   #21
Now, have it change forms here so that it does not become tiresome:
Imagine that you want to pronounce your love through marriage and that your own...

Looking good! Fix this little typo in the thesis:
Same sex marriages should be legalized because people failure to legalize it denies people equal rights and interferes with the separation of the church and state.

:-)

There are so many subjects covered in this paragraph... I think you should consider using a bulleted list in your intro. Then, below, it, you proclaim your thesis sentence :-) Maybe bulleted lists are not supposed to be in intros... but I do it!


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Nov 19, 2009, 03:46am   #22
Thank you very much Sir Kevin!

Can anyone help me think of a good title for this?

Will "Legalization of Same Sex Marriage" be a good title?


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Jan 27, 2010, 05:49am   #23
Can you please help me again? I am asked to revise my introduction. The bold sentence is my thesis statement. Please help me edit this introduction. My professor said "I should include Historical perspective of banning same sex marriage alongside allowing same sex (by regions or countries - history highlights experiences)" I'm having a hard time because we're asked to write academically so please help me. I'm only given a days to revise it. Please add it to my introduction.

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine being happier than you have ever been in your life, and wanting to share your life with him or her forever through sickness and in health. Imagine wanting to pronounce your love through marriage. Imagine your own government taking away your right to do this, not allowing you to get married, or to receive the same treatment and benefits all others couples receive, just because the person you are in love with happens to be the same sex as you. The debate over same sex marriage in the United States involves several issues. Recently, marriage has been thought to be between a man and a woman in which the word itself is defined. As marriage supports procreation and society recognizes the significance of each other's spouse, married couples receive several benefits from the government. The problem lies in that same sex couples are denied these same benefits and recognition from the society. This discrimination can be viewed as a violation of equal rights. The influence religious views have on banning same sex marriage can bring up the question whether there is true separation of church and state. If same sex marriages are legalized, the number of same sex parents and families are predicted to increase. This raises another debate on whether or not having same sex parents has a negative impact on children. Hawaii, California, Massachusetts, and New Jersey are currently the only states to formally recognize "domestic partnerships", allowing same sex couples to apply for some of the state run benefits afforded to the married. However, the legalization of same sex marriages is being fought for the entire country. Banning same sex marriage violates people's equal rights and heightens the issue on separation of church and state.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Jan 27, 2010, 03:18pm   #24
Brianne:
Recently, marriage has been thought to be the subject of controversy, with some people arguing that a union between a man and a woman in which is part of how the word itself is defined. As marriage supports procreation and society recognizes the significance of each other's spouse, married couples receive several benefits from the government.


I think this material should be in a body para, not the intro. In the intro, capture the reader's attention and then express your thesis statement after only about 5 sentences.

That material I quoted above should actually be part of 2 different paragraphs: one about the definition of marriage, and another about the government's interest.

:-)


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Jan 30, 2010, 05:44am   #25
Thanks sir. I consulted my prof. again. She said that I should research about why same sex marriage is legalized in some states despite that it has been disapproved before. For example: in California. and she also said that I should highlight experience. Like the movie "MILK", it's about sexuality. I should relate it in my introduction. Can you help me? I can't find any of these in the net.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Jan 31, 2010, 02:11pm   #26
Well, there are tons of good sources. Some are not scholarly, but they show what is going on right now:
balancedpolitics.org/same_sex_marriages.htm
or these people, oh my word...

nogaymarriage.com/tenarguments.asp

For scholarly articles, I usually recommend google scholar or questia.com

However, this is about recent things, like how CA law has changed, so I think newspaper articles might be good too
nytimes.com/2010/01/15/us/15sfbriefs.html


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Feb 1, 2010, 05:41am   #27
I have searched and searched. But I really can't find why a particular state legalized same sex marriage despite that it is unacceptable before. Can you help me please...


EF_KevinThreads: 33
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Feb 2, 2010, 01:40pm   #28
You might be looking for info in a way that is too specific. It is always hard to answer WHY questions, especially when they involve legislation.

The thing to do is write ABOUT what is happening and the reasons given. CA is the good case study to use, and I just read this article http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-01-12/california-gay-marriage-ba n-on-trial-in-san-francisco-update3-.html

That article has what you need! :-)


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Feb 6, 2010, 04:58am   #29
I can't quite understand the article.

My prof. said that California legalized Same Sex Marriage for what reason?? and why won't Philippines legalize Same SEx Marriage? HELP ME PLEASE....


EnvieThreads: 4
Posts: 74
Author: H.J. Hunter
   
Feb 6, 2010, 03:18pm   #30
It's just the difference in "culture," or rather, the attitudes of the majority of the people living in different states. Just because majority of Californians thought the gays should have the same chance (mainly because it has a large homosexual population) does not mean Philippininos think the same way.

It's like asking (back in the old days), why was North against slavery when South wasn't?

Everyone has different opinions and it all depends on who makes up the majority (of the voters) and thus, who makes it through the legislature that wins.


BrianneThreads: 2
Posts: 21
Author: JC
   
Feb 6, 2010, 06:23pm   #31
That's a good point. But what she wants me to make use of is why should the Philippines legalize same sex marriage?


EnvieThreads: 4
Posts: 74
Author: H.J. Hunter
   
Feb 9, 2010, 12:17am   #32
I personally would simply talk about the essence of human rights; how essentially we are all equal and that insularity of certain nations should not be used to prevent certain groups of humans to embrace and celebrate their identities.




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