Hi, I am Lysa and I am doing a cause and effect essay on my first hamster, Maskious. I was wondering if my intro paragraph was good so far.
In the sixth grade, all my friend Lauren could talk about was her pet hamster. She would talk about how cute she was and how she would bite people she did not get along with, like her twin sister. She had a dwarf hamster, a hamster known for biting people because it is small, like a Chihuahua biting because it feels fearless and superior to us humans. Around my eleventh birthday I asked my mom if I could get a hamster. She said yes, so a little before my birthday and she took me to Gaiser Pets to pick one out . The one that I chose was white and had black patterns on his body. One pattern got to me, which is the reason I chose him. He had the pattern of a raccoon. Since it appealed to me so much I even named him Maskious. Through the two years I had Maskious, he has taught me many things. One thing was that animals need a lot of care and attention. Another thing was that like humans, hamsters have feelings and are loyal when treated very well.
If this paragraph could be improved, please let me know how. I WILL return the favor of trying to help anyone out with their essay(s).
according to me,the introduction is not so striking.
"Around my eleventh birthday I asked my mom if I could get a hamster. She said yes, so a little before my birthday and she took me to Gaiser Pets to pick one out . "
i would advise you to change the sentence structure and use a more flourishing language.
also, try to write a little on what interested you in hamsters. focus on the subject on whicg you are writing.limit yourself to things that are close in time.
You have a good start here, but I agree with yuvly, in that you need something a little more striking to call the reader's attention at the beginning of your introduction. Maybe start out with an entertaining anecdote. You could write about how you never imagined you would learn life lessons from a hamster or something like that.
In the sixth grade, all my friend Lauren could talk about was her pet hamster. She would talk about how cute she was and how she would bite people she did not get along with, like her twin sister.
A hamster doesn't necessarily "get along with" someone - you might want to re-word this, maybe say something along the lines ofpeople she did not care for, people she was not keen on, something like that. Also, the information about the twin sister is somewhat unnecessary.
She had a dwarf hamster, a hamster known for biting people because it is small, like a Chihuahua biting because it feels fearless and superior to us humans.
I know what you're getting at here, but comparing the hamster to a chihuahua and then going on to say that because it is small it feels fearless and superior is kind of a convoluted analogy. Just go ahead and explain the Napoleon complex idea that you're hinting at here... Why don't you just sayShe had a dwarf hamster, a breed known for suffering from an inferiority complex. Like a Chihuahua barks incessantly to overcompensate for its size, the dwarf hamster can often tend to be more aggressive due to its size.Mention something positive here too, to show why you wanted a hamster for your birthday!
Around my eleventh birthday, influenced by my friend Lauren, I asked my mom if I could get a hamster. She said yesagreed and took me to Gaiser Pets to pick one out.The one that I chose was white and had black patterns on his body.(You mention in the next sentence that the hamster looks like a raccoon - this is overkill.) One pattern got to mestruck me , which is the reason I chose him. He had the pattern of a raccoon. Since it appealed to me so much I even named him Maskious. Explain the name here more. Understandably it has to do with a mask, but you should elaborate.
Through the two years I had Maskious, he has taught me many things. One thing was that animals need a lot of care and attention. Another thing was that like humans, hamsters have feelings and are loyal when treated very well.
You have quite a bit of verb confusion here. You should not use the past tense (I had Maskious) and then the present perfect (he has taught). The wording needs a bit of work too. Instead of Another thing was that like humans, etc. maybe you could writeMuch like humans, caring for Maskious showed me that hamsters also have feelings and can exhibit loyalty when they are treated well.
Hope that helps!
All the "she" in this sentence is confusing and distracting:
She would talk about how cute she was and how she would bite people she did not get along with, like her twin sister.
She would talk about how cute she the little creature was and how it would bite people she did not get along with, like her Lauren's twin sister.
Hagertis and yuvly, this is a great thread because of you. Thanks!!
Take out the part about it looking like a raccoon. The paragraph needs to be about one solid idea. This paragraph is about your friend causing you to become interested in having a hamster. You can describe what it looks like in a body paragraph.
End this paragraph with a sentence like this: Because of my friend's influence, I became the owner of a pet that taught me two important things: animals need a lot of care and attention; like humans, hamsters have feelings and are loyal when treated very well.
paragraph 2:
Around my eleventh birthday I asked my mom if I could get a hamster. She said yes, so a little before my birthday and she took me to Gaiser Pets to pick one out . The one that I chose was white and had black patterns on his body. One pattern got to me, which is the reason I chose him. He had the pattern of a raccoon. Since it appealed to me so much I even named him Maskious...
:-)
Thank you for your help everybody! My professor said my essay was a lot better!
