Well, you are good in your expression :) But I can`t find a definite thesis and examples. Maybe it`s worth to state your thesis in your introduction paragraph and outline the topics of the body. Be more specific, give real-life instances - you don`t really need much of them, one for each body paragraph would just do the trick. I can hardly stress enough on the importance of clear thesis and supporting examples.
I must agree. I'm currently a SR. in high school and my teachers still today stress the importance of a definite thesis because it gives the reader some insight as to what your opinion is.
You had really good points but you should work on your sentence structure and better ways to start paragraphs/sentences.