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IETLS: Children can benefit by engaging in some kind of paid work


Albert Y 1 / 1  
Apr 28, 2013   #1
Hi there. Now starting to prepare IELTS exam for my oversea studying. I hope someone can rectify my writing skill because i think writing is one of my weakness.

thank for your help you can strongly comment my poor essay.

Question in task 2 : In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

Nowadays, the society have been changing, most of people is facing challenge with international community. In my opinion, I think that children work in work place and learn is definitely valuable and helpful, while whether works are paid or not. The reason are as fellows.

First of all, After graduating from university education, we normally have to look for the job for self-sustaining. In this generation, some of companies do always focus on people whose social experience rather educational degree. I certainly agree that experience is more essential than educational background.

Secondly, some of people said working is completely wrong when we were children. For this perspective, I intend to argue that working can find self-interesting and direction of personality, it will help people to choose their job and take responsibility for ourselves in the future.

Meanwhile, some of parents support their children to study in cream school and spend lots of money on expenditure of education. However, it seems that dose not have a good feedback from children, moreover refusing majority of money. I believe that we should let children have a liberal developing to search what they want.

To sum up, I once again restate work in childhood is better than period of adult.
Further and even more importantly, deliberating way in head of schedule will be let ourselves successful in advance.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Apr 28, 2013   #2
Nowadays, the society have been changing, most of people is facing challenge with international community.

... This sentence seems to be out of topic. Why you talk about international community? What's its relevance to the topic?

First of all, After graduating from university education, we normally have to look for the job for self-sustaining. In this generation, some of companies do always focus on people whose social experience rather educational degree. I certainly agree that experience is more essential than educational background.

Here the idea is that if you have some work experience during your childhood, that helps you find a job after graduation. However, that idea isn't expressed properly. Your writing tends to give sort of an out of topic feeling. You better re-do this essay. Also, it's not social experience but work experience. Social experience is mostly used to express how socialized you are... it has only little to do with work.
Redtape 4 / 31 11  
Apr 28, 2013   #3
Question in task 2 : In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

In my opinion, I think that children work in work place and learn is definitely valuable and helpful, while whether works are paid or not .

My advise:- Don't mention or not as the question is talking about paid work only. If you are saying the opposite side of the paid work then in my opinion you need to mention voluntary work, child labor etc, which doesn't have any relevance with the task question.

I would rephrase the sentence as "In my opinion, work place experience for children is definitely valuable and helpful while they are paid."

In this generation, some of companies

I would rephrase as below:

Nowadays, companies prefer to hire.

Few suggestions that I thought of sharing.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 28, 2013   #4
As Pahan mentioned, I too find your first line goes out of topic. It is important to keep an alignment with your topic theme throughout your essay. Focus on what your topic asks you.

First of all, After graduating from university education, we normally have to look for the job for self-sustaining. In this generation, some of companies do always focus on people whose social experience rather educational degree. I certainly agree that experience is more essential than educational background.

Again, this is not well aligned with the topic. Also, you need to back your reasons with specific examples.
I advise you to pay attention to the essay structure for this task.
nadrian 3 / 6 2  
Apr 29, 2013   #5
Question in task 2 : In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

Introduction:

Nowadays, the society have been changing, most of people is facing challenge with international community. In my opinion, I think that children work in work place and learn is definitely valuable and helpful, while whether works are paid or not. The reason are as fellows.

Comments: Question is about child child paid work and our opinion.

Body.

First of all, After graduating from university education, we normally have to look for the job for self-sustaining . In this generation, some of companies do always focus on people whose social experience rather educational degree . I certainly agree that experience is more essential than educational background.

I think you need to focus on question: Child paid work (Child labor) and opinion in favor or against in Introduction.

Secondly, some of people said working is completely wrong when we were children. For this perspective, I intend to argue that working can find self-interesting and direction of personality, it will help people to choose their job and take responsibility for ourselves in the future.

Comment: Body shoud contain your opinon with example you dont need to re-write: intend to argue (opinion is already expressed in Introduction.
you should explain you example

Meanwhile, some of parents support their children to study in cream school and spend lots of money on expenditure of education. However, it seems that dose not have a good feedback from children , moreover refusing majority of money. I believe that we should let children have a liberal developing to search what they want.

Comment: Completely out of topic. Here you need to discuss the yes or no of topic and justify your opinion in second paragraph.

To sum up, I once again restate work in childhood is better than period of adult.
Further and even more importantly, deliberating way in head of schedule will be let ourselves successful in advance.

Conclusion: Summaries your opinion and body here in note more than two lines.
OP Albert Y 1 / 1  
Apr 29, 2013   #6
Thank you for your correction I think I should redo this question again. Let answer more relevant.


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