Hi
First of all you missed your opinion in the intro
It is true that every year number of languages fade away for many reasons like
This sentence should be in the intro too.
At the moment it will die out and that doesn't necessarily make our life easier,maybe it will make it more difficult. For example when the ancient Egyptians wrote in hieroglyphs and their language vanished,we returned to it with many difficulties to understand it.
Never add new points in conclusion!
Overall,your essay does not follow any structure,so try to organize essay in 4 or 5 paragraphs.
Good luck!