Hi, The essay has some issues; 1) you did not write about homeless people and you just focused on employment. 2) the supporting sentences were not good enough to make the discussion clear. 3) The words that you used were not strong enough and you should have used better vocabulary.
Therefore, I think it is unlikely that the essay get the band score of 7 :(((. By the way, everything depends on the examiner who review your work, he/she may like your essay. Do not think about the score, just wait and enjoy your free time now:))).
Unemployment is clearly a global problem, which can be seen
countries or and
. However, I tend to believe it is the responsibility of these disadvantaged citizens, rather than the government, to help them out (Why you did not mention the issue of "homeless people")
money should be spent on publicly benefitial (Spelling!!)
programs only. Tax revenue is collected from those who works. Spending them on helping those not make contribution to society would not sound fair to tax payers. Besides, there are other pressing demands on the government expenditure, such as health care service and education, so addressing unemployment should have low priority (The idea of this paragraph is not apparent. I could not clearly understand the connection among the statements)
Also, it is obvious that, to survive in this competitive world, one has to work hard and equip themselves well. If they could get free financial help from the government, they might end up with out any motivation to work at all (There is no supporting sentence here. In addition, each paragraph needs a summary at the end)
Of course, this does not mean we should leave alone those who do need assistance. They are already in reverse circumstances and it would be rather difficult for them to overcome the difficulties without external support. In this case, the government ought to set up free vocational trainings or to provide interest-free bank loans for them, so that they can have the chance to get back to work. After all, it is benefitial (spelling)
to the society as a whole when the jobless can make contribution again.
In conclusion, (reword the topic at first)
my point of view is that, although the government should provide help for the disadvantaged people, direct financial support may not be a wise option and people should rely on themselves to get out of the adversity.