Hi,
I wrote a TOEFL essay, and I have questions about my essay.
1. How well developed are my body paragraphs?
2. Did I include all the details or examples I need?
3. What parts of my essay do I need to improve?
Btw, can anyone rate this essay as per TOEFL scoring guideline?
I am curious to find out if anyone finds my essay compelling.
Thanks in advance! :)
Prompt:
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for examaple, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
My Response:
People attend university to get a degree. But, is that the only reason why people attend university? In my view, it seems that there are many reasons other than just getting a degree. I believe that people attend university to build their connections, to prepare for their careers, and to pursue their passion.
First, people attend university to build their social connections. People often meet their friends at school. A lot of people tend to trust and value friends and people they meet at school rather than at work or at other places. This can encourage people to attend university to meet new people who can help them. To illustrate, I decided to go to ABC School of Journalism when I was in high school to build my connections in the field of journalism. This was because I had no background in journalism and lacked connections in the area. In the end, I got to know many people in the field, and this helped me land a job through my contacts.
Second, people go to university to prepare for their careers. Certain career paths, such as teaching, require a degree or a license. Because of this, people may have to attend university to follow certain career paths. In addition, many companies require their prospective employees to submit qualifications, such as a bachelor's degree, along with their resumes for job applications. According to a survey conducted by ABC Ministry of Labor, of five hundred companies, fifty percent required that applicants mail in their degrees. This shows that attending university may be a crucial part of career preparation.
Finally, people attend university to pursue their passion. People may want to continue pursuing what they are passionate about after finishing high school. Attending university can be a way they can take their passion to the next level. For example, my friend, John, was so fascinated with the computer in high school that he would spend hours programming. He decided that he needs to go to university and major in Computer Science. He was admitted, and he continued learning about programming at university.
In conclusion, receiving a degree is not the only reason why people decide to attend university. People have different reasons for it. I feel that people attend university to expand their social circles, to follow certain career paths, and to follow their hearts.
A country can be more stable if more and more young people attend university.
That more and more students graduate from university can also promote the stability of a society. With a university degree, people are more likely to get jobs providing relatively higher salaries and are therefore able to portray greater satisfaction in life. The higher the level of life satisfaction and happiness is, the more stable a society can be.
is it an ielts essay?it is too short, lacking introduction,bodies and conclusion.however, i think your writing style is good.
