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"Flowers for a 90-year-old Ophelia" --Princeton U prompt


bookbug_xd 8 / 24  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
Hello! This is my first post in this site, and I'm so glad that EssayForum exists. I've been having so many problems with my essays, and I realized that feedback may be the solution.

This is an essay meant to address Princeton University's essay question: "Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way." It can be about 500 words. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated, and thank you wholeheartedly!

My Ophelia lives off eight medications and has fake dentures. Under a cloud of ash-gray hair, her eyes shine on a canvas of wrinkles and liver spots. Her back is bent, shoulders weighed down by ghosts of her past. She was a wife at age fifteen, a mother of seven, and now, a brooding widow. When she is alone, she mutters soliloquys, weeping for her Hamlet, Death. In each bizarre question she asks, she curses herself for still existing. Though I tired of her incessant mourning, I feared for her safety. I feared that she was sinking in dark waters and ready to take her own life.

Grandma's haven is the tiny vegetable garden of lettuce, peppers, cucumbers, and shrubs. Point to any stalk, and she can tell you its history, although she can't recall the events of yesterday. In each vine and leaf was a drop of her sweat and blood.

From the local shop, I bought Grandma vivid roses, carnations, and tulips of all colors. In these moments, her wizened face became youthfully brilliant, and she would wrap her thin arms around me in an embrace. The flower would be immediately planted amongst the vegetables. Week after week, I bought flower after flower, craving that smile on her face. That smile was the symbol of her sanity, the sign that indicated she could still feel happiness. Buying flowers became a mission, a desperate undertaking to appease the unstable Ophelia. I feared that if I didn't, she would turn towards the dark waters once more.

But I reached a horrible epiphany: flowers died, just like humans.
I once saw Grandma standing over the drooping heads of roses in the trashcan. Her face was haggard, older. "They died," she said simply, before hobbling away silently.

Such material things could never make her happy. In my fervent quest to secure the maiden's happiness, I had shamefully replaced human contact with objects.

Instead of spending time buying flowers, I spent time with Grandma. With the little Korean I knew, I told her stories of my school days. She told me her tragedies, wishes and secrets she had cradled in her tortured mind. With each word, I learned who Grandma really was. Under her aged exterior and mask of sorrow was a young, brave woman, a resilient rose among ivy. For the first time, we truly opened up to each other, and I've never seen her smile so genuinely. At the end of each conversation, I would sit beside her and plant, not flowers, but kisses on her cheek. She would respond with a smile with a brightness that trumped the sun's.

Grandma taught me that the best flowers are not ones you can buy. They are empathy, love, and understanding. Once sown, they can brave the worst of storms. With words and presence, I protected Ophelia from the river's waters, and created a garden of the blossoms of our little, cherished moments together.
maroon5 9 / 57  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
Your writing has almost no grammatical flaws so i will just point out the portions of the essay where i felt the style could be improved.

She was a wife at age fifteen, a mother of seven, and now, a brooding widow.---If u use the sentence as it is it will lack parallelism...you should write something like-She was a wife at fifteen, a mother of seven by 30( put any appropriate age here),and was now a brooding widow.

sinking in dark waters and ready to take her own life.---replace ready with readying

From the local shop, I bought Grandma vivid roses, carnations, and tulips of all colors---The sentence should be begun with an appropriate transition like-To indulge Grandma in her last hobby(substitute this with a better word if you can come up with one),i often bought her vivid roses, carnations,and tulips of all colors

But I reached a horrible epiphany: flowers died, just like humans---"epiphany" is used in the wrong context here...you don't need to have an epiphany to realize that flowers die...Write something like-I had, however, overlooked a (put in something appropriate here as you see fit)

Instead of spending time buying flowers, I spent time with Grandma---Thus, instead of spending time buying flowers,I began to spend it talking to Grandma.

wishes and secrets she had cradled in her tortured mind.---place "THE" before wishes and secrets

with a smile with a brightness that trumped the sun's---with a smile that shone with a brightness that trumped the sun's.

and created a garden of the blossoms of our little, cherished moments together---replace "OF" with "with"

Your essay is very descriptive and uses powerful imagery.I especially love the last paragraph where you draw an analogy of your relationship with a blossoming garden.The message you are trying to convey comes across as articulate and well -defined...good work and GOOD LUCK

Please look over my thread and tell me which commonapp idea to write on...
blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
This is amazing,and you managed to make it clearer!

"that she was sinking in dark waters, readying to take her own life" Should be ready.
"But to me, she could have done with more lively children: flowers." Just to be on the safe side, don't start with but. I felt she could have done with more lively children: flowers.

She responds with a smile that shone with a brightness that trumped the sun's, of genuineness beyond understanding. should be with not of

Loved this essay,especially the conclusion! Hope you manage to take a look at my essay ,your a great writer and the fact that you manage to make an essay about your grandma so unique will differentiate you from the pool of other applicants.
OP bookbug_xd 8 / 24  
Nov 27, 2011   #4
Thank you for your wonderful advice! I took your suggestions, and my essay looks much better than before!
I'm still open to more critique and suggestions, and thank you all!


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