Hi Barbie
Your essay is good but there are some small issues that need some small work up.
If you are going to take a good point in IELTS is better follow their instruction, which says in introduction you have to show your opinion by giving at least 2 reasons followed by 2-3 paragraph explaining and supporting your reasons by examples.
Your introduction not too bad, but give just one reason that "why parenthood should be for both?
Your all next three paragraph have a good structure with just some grammatical and spelling error such as:
First, bringing up a child need (all his) both father and mother roles, without one of them
leads on to the ? child might not grow up perfectly. Almost human personality is (
were) formed when they are children, thus the parents have (had) the most (important "adj") impact in this time. Why do the girls act manly and the boys behavior girly? It is the result of fathership or mothership is absent. Parents will also effect the (
to) careers and life partners of their children in the future.
Accordingly ( you mentioned a fact or opinion I believe accordingly does not have any place here} the son want to find a girlfriend like his mom and the daughter wish her husband have character like her dad. Moreover you write an academic writing is better to use more formal words instead of "son wants find girlfriend like his mom")
Second, bearing babies and raising them up are not easy ...why? .., so a woman need a man who becomes her stable supporter if she feels tired or sick. In modern lives, women have more opportunities to work and they are also more active than they were but some special cases they can not really replace the man roles. Espeacially, single women have no time to take care everything if they want to be promoted in their works.
Last, deciding to have babies and bring them up can makes the man take full responsibilities for their acts. Definitely, single life is more simple and easier than married life. Therefore many people want to refuse their fathership caused they do not prepare (
prepair) for changing (or limiting) their freedom. The person who is responsibles for his behavior like keeping his baby and taking care of the child is really mature.
As you see the reasons elaborated in paragraphs are not mentioned in introduction.
I think is better to go again through different part of your writing and follow the IELTS writing instruction.
Later I try to put a treat with same topics in my post to see better what I said.
Keep on try and don't hesitate to express your opinion.
Good luck
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