Hi! I have written an essay on the topic
"State briefly why world peace is important, and suggest three ways in which young people can help to promote international understanding".
I will be grateful if you could give some comments on my essay, especially on structure and language use if possible.
I have highlighted some main points in my essay, because the word requirement for my english exam is 500 words minimum and this may be a little long for you to read word to word :)
Thanks in advance!
The Essay:
In the past decade, the world was in a state of unrest almost all the time, regardless natural or man-made disasters. In 2001, the 9-11 terrorist attack evoked long-term tension between the US and the Middle East; Recently, politiacal unrest in China raised concern on human rights around the world, and the focus was further intensified as Mr. Liu Xiaobo was selected as one of the laureates of Nobel Peace Prize 2010. A month ago, North Korea bombed South Korea, creating even more barriers between the two countries, leaving the world in further fear of the North Korean nuclear weapons.
All these events were caused by humans but little was done to relieve the stringent relationship among countries. Undesirable qualities such as distrust, gree and ego are apparent, leading to even more unneccessary disasters. This is precisely why world peace plays an important role in maintaining a harmonious relationship among people.
World peace is a state when nobody has any intention in creating disputes or even wars, which result in grief and hatred. It is a state that still exists only in theory, but it is without doubt that this is a common goal everyone is trying to achieve.
Take 9-11 terrorist attack as an example. After the cataclysmic day, the country that claims to promote freedom sent troops to the Middle East and wars started. This country of liberty, while claiming to dismantle evil forces, was strongly believed to be foraging crude oil. Ever since the wars had begun, what we saw on news every time was casualties, casualties, and more casualties. A deepening racial aversion between the Americans and the Islamic group was also growing.
However, after Obama took over as president of the US, he resigned the troops. Although immediate effect may not be apparent so far, so many people support his decision that he was awarded Nobel Peace Prize in advance to his conribution towards world peace. However much controversy this Prize has aroused, it is undoubtedly a concrete piece of proof on the importance of promoting world peace, in the aspect of defining a brighter future for all of us.
Youngsters, as the driving force for the future, are crucial in promoting peace, and there are many ways to be a part of this force.
Firstly, young people can take part in exchange programmes and international conferences. Participation is beneficial in promoting international understanding because with such activities, young people get to know more about the others from different cultures, beliefs, habits etc. Many disputes are caused by misunderstanding and therefore, an exchange programme could help youngsters gain an international perspective and broaden their horizons. The chance of misunderstanding can then be reduced.
Secondly, young people can take part in community services. By getting in touch with people from all walks of life, they can get a broader picture of what the world is like and understand more about how the others feel by being a part of them. In this way, more care and love can be promoted and more international understanding is built.
Thirdly, young people can create causes related to world peace and encourage the people around them, like friends and relatives, to take part in. Experiential learning is one of the most effective ways in understanding concepts and when young people create all these events, they are also a part of learning process. Organizations like the WYSE are promiting exactly this kind of learning and indeed many benefit from such causes, including the needy and the participants of the project.
There are of course many other ways for your involvement in promoting world peace and international understanding. As long as you have the heart for promoting peace, you already have helped to promote international understanding.
In the past decade, the world was in a state of unrest almost all the time from natural or man-made disasters. In 2001, the 9-11 terrorist attack evoked brought long-term tension between the US and the Middle East; Recently, politiacal unrest in China raised concern on human rights around the world, and the focus was further intensified as Mr. Liu Xiaobo was selected as one of the laureates of Nobel Peace Prize 2010.
You might want to reword to: China's recent human rights violations caused political unrest with further scrutiny, when Mr. Liu Xiaobo received his Nobel Peace Prize.
A month ago, North Korea bombed South Korea, creating even more barriers between the two countries, leaving the world in further fear of the North Korean nuclear weapons.
All these events were caused by humans but little was done to relieve the stringent relationship among countries. Undesirable qualities such as distrust, gree and ego are apparent, leading to even more unneccessary disasters. This is precisely why world peace plays an important role in maintaining a harmonious relationship among people.
However, after Obama took over as president of the US, he resigned the troops. Although immediate effect may not be apparent so far, so many people support his decision that he was awarded Nobel Peace Prize in advance to his conribution towards world peace. However much controversy this Prize has aroused, it is undoubtedly a concrete piece of proof on the importance of promoting world peace, in the aspect of defining a brighter future for all of us.
Youngsters, as the driving force for the future, are crucial in promoting peace, and there are many ways to be a part of this force.
Firstly, young people can take part in exchange programmes and international conferences. Participation is beneficial in promoting international understanding because with such activities, young people get to know more about the others from different cultures, beliefs, habits etc. Many disputes are caused by misunderstanding and therefore, an exchange programme could help youngsters gain an international perspective and broaden their horizons. The chance of misunderstanding can then be reduced.
Secondly, young people can take part in community services. By getting in touch with people from all walks of life, they can get a broader picture of what the world is like and understand more about how the others feel by being a part of them. In this way, more care and love can be promoted and more international understanding is built.
Thirdly, young people can create causes related to world peace and encourage the people around them, like friends and relatives, to take part in. Experiential learning is one of the most effective ways in understanding concepts and when young people create all these events, they are also a part of learning process. Organizations like the WYSE : spell it out? are promiting exactly this kind of learning and indeed many benefit from such causes, including the needy and the participants of the project.
For improvement: Place the file in a spell checker, make some revision changes to your prose. Avoid the words is and was, and make your sentences Active voice. EX. passive: This essay was improved by Crystal Yuen. Active: Crystal Yuen improved this essay. Delete sentences that do not really clarify your point. Make your argument and solutions stronger for world peace. I think leaders spend more time on world commerce than world peace. Pointing out that a policy is to blame, determine if China has an obligation to do something than to allow an invasion of Asia, and if its human rights is merely internal policy and not pertinent to this essay.
