There are a lot of run-on sentences in the essay:
Furthermore, the students don't respect the teachers as they should, they're protected from their mistakes, for example, if a student until the fourth grade made a mistake on a test, the teacher is not allowed to show the student that the answer was wrong, because the government imposed that this will make the student feel demoralized among others in the classroom.
"Furthermore, the students don't respect the teachers as they should. They're protected from their mistakes. For example, if a student, up until the fourth grade, made a mistake on a test, the teacher is not allowed to show the student that the answer was wrong. The government imposed this (rule? law?) saying that this will make the student feel demoralized among others in the classroom."Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays, in Brazil the cause is related to home environment, teacher's lack of will to teach and specially to government policies.
"Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays. In Brazil, the cause is related to home environment, the teachers' lack of will to teach, and especially government policies."You could even cut out the first part, or edit it, because the reader knows that inadequate student behavior is an issue-that's what the prompt is about!
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you're not a native English speaker, you should make sure you get somebody to proofread it for English mistakes, like the placement of some words, or general grammar rules. Other than that, you should make sure you elaborate on the second part of the prompt, about what solutions you can suggest.
This is a great start though! You've got your outline--now you've just got to flesh it out!