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An essay about the results of a survey of adults education-IELTS



SuYperThreads: 4
Posts: 18
Author: Bui Hai Yen
   
Jan 19, 2011, 03:30pm   #1
Hello everybody :)
I'm 17 and i'm newbie in this helpful website.
I am wondering if you could check my essay for me.
Many thanks to you.
------

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The charts below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart
shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people
think the costs of adult education should be shared.
Write a report for a university lecturer, describing the information shown below.
You should write at least 150 words.

The two charts show the reasons why people decide to study and how adults think about the cost of their education should be shared.
In terms of the first chart, as can be seen that the reasons in this chart are quite obvious. Interest in subject comes in the first place with the proportion of 40% compared to 38% of the second one to gain qualification. But when it goes to the bottom group, the gap between the two group was increased further when the figures decrease to 12% of ability to changes jobs and 9% of meeting people. As regards, helpful for current jobs is a head of improving prospects of promotion and enjoying learning or studying by a narrow margin, 22% for the former and 20% for the two latters.
Turning to the second pie chart, it shows that how people think the cost in each course should be shared. 40% of them think adults should pay individual. The number of people comment that employers should pay is 35% comparison with tax payers which captured 25%.
Overall, two charts provide clearly the reasons that make people study and the thinking about the sharing cost of adult's education.
Words count : 200



SuYperThreads: 4
Posts: 18
Author: Bui Hai Yen
   
Jan 21, 2011, 05:17am   #2
Hello
Can you help me ? I really confuse about the smooth of this essay
Thank you so much


LiliyaThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Aliya Askarova
   
Jan 23, 2011, 05:36pm   #3
Hello,
As far as I know when you write your introduction for IELTS task 1 you must avoid copying whole prases from the question. The examiner may not include these words in the final word count. I belive, you need to paraphrase you first statement. For example, instead of "reasons why people decide to study" you can say " motives to get education", also instead of " how adults think about the cost of their education" you can say " adults attitude towards cost sharing".
There is no overview, no description of main trends and the last sentence is repetition from the question.


EF_SusanThreads: -
Posts: 3,434
Author: Susan O'Neill, EssayForum.com
[Moderator] Likes 4  
Jan 23, 2011, 06:02pm   #4
Hi there, Welcome to EssayForum! If you want a lot of people to read your essay, go read other recent essays, and asl those people to return the favor. I'm going to read yours right now...

The two charts show the reasons why people decide to study and how adults think about the cost of their education should be shared.
In terms of the first chart, as can be seen that the reasons in this...

But when it goes to the bottom group, the gap between the two groups was increased further when the figures decrease to 12% of ability to changes jobs and 9% of meeting people.--I fixed this as much as I could, but it is still a little unclear. I don't know how to fix it. But I suggest using short, simple sentences when you try to describe something complex, like a chart.

As regards, helpful for current jobs is a head of improving prospects of promotion and enjoying learning or studying by a narrow margi This part is very confusing, and I don't know how to fix it.

This is a very good sentence:
Turning to the second pie chart, it shows that how people think the cost in each course should be shared.

40% of them think adults should pay individually.

The number of people comment that employers should pay is 35% was greater than the number of people who think tax payers should pay, which was 25%.

You still need a lot of practice with English grammar. But it is also true that this kind of writing, describing charts, is very difficult. I would be interested in seeing how well you can write about a different topic.

:-)


SuYperThreads: 4
Posts: 18
Author: Bui Hai Yen
   
Jan 24, 2011, 10:10am   #5
Thank you so much :)




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