Good evening :)
As the prompt for this essay was not included, I have made some general comments.
First, my main concern for this piece is that it is not completely coherent. By this I mean that it is very difficult to understand. For instance, what is "that subject?" What is a "medical man?" Do you mean doctors or physicians?
Here are some mechanical corrections for the first paragraph:
If we look narrowly at medical treatment history we find that many people have lost their lives just for not knowing a simple thing about infections or ways of affliction.
For example, a specimen of fever called "milk fever" is infected from milk to the body and makes an agitation in the digestive, nervous, and immune systems of the body, and it can be prevented by simply boiling milk.
Make sure you are placing spaces after your punctuation; there should always be a singular space between your punctuation mark and the first letter of the next word.
Here are the corrections for a subsequent paragraph:
I believe government plays an important role in raising the awareness of a preventative culture; they can do it by investigating medical centers for different purposes such as creating training course for people who are impacted by the illness or sending a trained medical representative to an afflicted area. Also, providing a budget for developing medical research along with encouraging people to work in this field will help raise further awareness.
Using these suggestions, go back through your piece and look for other instances such as these that need correcting, and your essay will become greatly improved.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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