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Essay for TOEFL: "establishing a new university in your community"



mogulThreads: 1
Posts: 2
   
Mar 16, 2009, 01:18pm   #1
Hi, everyone.
I am thrilled that I have found this useful website. I am going to take the TOEFL exam soon. So please help me with the essay. I need some advice. Thank you.


The government has announced that it plans to build a new university. Some people think that your community would be a good place to locate the university. Compare the advantages and disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community. Use specific details in your discussion.

I will be happy to hear that the government has a plan to build a new university in my community. There are many advantages setting up the university such as more opportunities to people in the community to pursue their studies, creation of jobs. However, they come together with some disadvantages such as social problems.

This new university will allow a great number of people in my community to have a chance to study. For example, suppose you live in a faraway community where there is no single university and you might not want to leave your family. If you would like to attend a business school, you have to travel across the country to get to a distant university. He or she definitely can get in the business school in the proposed community's university.

Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, employees and etc. Thus, a number vacant positions need to be filled. Also there will be more opportunities to work in the community. Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services. This can also help stimulate the local economy.

However, building the university may lead to some social problems. A number of people then may come from any other communities in order to get in to or get the jobs at the university. When many people congregate in one place, I think that some kinds of social problems will follow. Traffic may worsen. More wastes have to be managed. Maybe crime rate will also increase. These social problems may impair the quality of life in the community.

In sum, I myself agree with the plan to build the university. I believe the benefit from it will outweigh the cost. However, it would be indispensable that the government conduct a survey about the community opinion on the new university first.



GautamaThreads: 6
Posts: 140
Author: Tyler
   
Mar 16, 2009, 01:52pm   #2
There are many advantages to setting up the university such as more opportunities for people in the community to pursue their studies and the creation of jobs.

"If you would like to attend a business school, you have to travel across the country to get to a distant university. He or she definitely can get in the business school in the proposed community's university."

----Here you have "you" as the subject of the first sentence. Then in the second sentence, although you are still refering to the same individual, you use "he or she" as the subject. Just pick one.----

"Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, employees and etc."
----Professors would be considered employees so to list these two things seems redundant. I would change the above sentence to something like this:----

Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, janitors, security, and other such faculty.

More waste will have to be managed. Maybe the crime rate will also increase.

Overall very good job and no really major mistakes. You might want to try to work on combining some of your smaller sentences into larger ones. Example:

"Thus, a number vacant positions need to be filled. Also there will be more opportunities to work in the community."
----could become this----
"Thus, a number vacant positions will need to be filled which means there will be more opportunities to work in the community."

----or----

"Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services. This can also help stimulate the local economy."
----could becomes this----
"Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services which can also help stimulate the local economy.


mogulThreads: 1
Posts: 2
   
Mar 17, 2009, 10:57am   #3
Thank you so much.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Mar 17, 2009, 12:59pm   #4
Wow, Tyler left nothing for me to correct! Here is one thing to strike out:

In sum, I myself agree with...

I think you will do very well on the TOEFL. Did you need much help to write this, or are you this skillful at English already? I think it is very impressive that you have learned a second language so well. I tried to learn Spanish, but I cannot write in Spanish nearly as well as you write in English...


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,666
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Mar 17, 2009, 05:10pm   #5
This essay already seems to be in good shape, after Tyler and Kevin's excellent advice. One thing I would add is that "However, they come together with some disadvantages such as social problems." sounds a bit odd. I mean, inasmuch as you are talking about disadvantages to the community, "disadvantages" is pretty much synonymous with "social problems." Perhaps you could substitute something more specific for "social problems?"




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