Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6


IELTS essay if children should be sent to school at an early age?


farina 11 / 25  
Dec 7, 2011   #1
Topic
Children should be sent to school at an early age or they should be sent at the age of six or seven. Give your opinion?

Children are the building blocks of a country, their education structure should be constructed carefully to obtain the best results. To achieve the high standers in the learning process we must decide at which age children should be sent to school, whether early age or at a mature age of six or seven.

It is believed by some people that at three years of age children's brains are developing. They are much more eager to learn, have unbiased behaviour against different subjects, easier for the teachers to teach them discipline and co-operation which is difficult for the parents to teach at home, because at school a child is up-against larger number of students with whom he/she has to co-operate and get along with; while at home he/she owns everything.

At the age of six or seven, it becomes very difficult for the students to merge with the new environment because when they spend six years of pampered life at home, they find it hard to indulge with the new children. Moreover, many researches, especially in the field of language, have proved that better performances is seen in children, in learning a new language, who are going to school from a younger age because at three years a child can utter three or four words, so-forth it is easier for them to attain native fluency and make complex sentences.

However, the second group claims that six years is a much more mature age, at this age children behave positively towards education, make friends more sensibly and understand and respond to teacher's commands effectively.

Concluding, I concede that although there are benefits of sending children to school at six years but advantages of sending them at three are far more, in this way they will spend more years in learning process.
isai 12 / 111  
Dec 7, 2011   #2
These are my general comments on your essay...

- Few mistakes in grammar, Mistakes arise from more unusual/complex language use
- Some variety in sentence structure
- Some width in vocabulary can convey shades of meaning
- Relevant points.
- Some coherence in paragraphing
- Points are organized in paragraphs
- Essay is interesting

PLEASE RE- READ YOUR ESSAY AND DO THE NECESSARY AMENDMENTS BASED ON MY COMMENTS.

Regards
Isai
Tracy yingying - / 2  
Dec 7, 2011   #3
As I understand, you should reorganize structure and make it clear.
Regards
Tracy
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Dec 7, 2011   #4
See this image for understanding a proper structure for such argumentative essays.

- At the end of first paragraph, write a brief, strong line stating your opinion and the point of view you are about to support. This will give the reader a brief idea about what he/she is about to read.

-The best way to explain things in essay is to co-relate it with practical examples of life. For example, say that its easier to mould when the clay is soft. I am not sure what this kind of writing is called in grammatical terms but what I have seen in good essays is that all writers try to co-relate.

I hope its helpful.
Cheers :)



Jayp91 2 / 3  
Dec 8, 2011   #5
Your essay pulls out some fine points. As for the flow of the logic, I would recommend reorganizing the thoughts. Try separating all the sentences and making sort of a brain storm sheet with categories. Also check for grammatical errors, there are a few that even Mircrosoft Word should be able to highlight for you. And one last thing, after you reorganize, try out a clincher sentence.
phuongthao15389 4 / 9  
Dec 9, 2011   #6
Dear Farian,

I think there are several problems in your writing:

Firstly, You use too long and too complex sentences. Clearly, they make your paragraph difficult to read. I suggest you should use some short sentences ( especially in topic sentence.)

Secondly, You should give your opinion clearly in Introduction: what you agree with, what age you suggest...

Thirdly, you should have a clear topic sentence for each paragraph.

Finally, you should rearrange your ideas. I see your Idea is very good, but they is arranged in complex and confused way.

I hope my feedback is useful for you.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS essay if children should be sent to school at an early age?
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳