Hi everyone, I tried to improve my essay. I will take toefl test in the next 2 weeks. I am nervous. LOL.
Please kindly review my essay. Thanks in advance.
If you could change one thing about your hometown, what would it be?
Thailand, in which I live, has been having the continual improvement of technology and communication. Bangkok, being my hometown, is the center city of such development. Thus, there are several kinds of the facilities established throughout the city for making people' lives convenient and better than ever before. Sky train as well as subway is one of the most significant examples. We have had the fast communication system for several years ago. However, it is restricted to be located nearby downtown. So, if I could have a chance to change one thing, I would like to set up new routes for sky train and make them more prevalent than they now are. I am going to describe my reasons.
First of all, I could go to my workplace on time if subway station were in my neighborhood. Currently, even though my office is in downtown, I still have to use other public transports to reach subway station because it is not nearby my home. Therefore, I must take several steps till being at my office. It makes me inconvenient. On the other hand, if such a subway station were closely located in my neighborhood, I would not have to be caught in traffic jam and could go to work on schedule. It is due to rather accurate time duration of its transporting. Indeed, it would be helpful for me in order not to waste too much time on express way.
Moreover, new routes of subway bring about increasing growth of its adjacent area. There would be new buildings such as complex malls, universities for higher education. It would be deemed to be one of the options for residents. For instance, if a new university were founded nearby where they live, students would not need to admission to other distant universities. This could cause following problems such as higher cost of transportation or finding new dormitories. In addition, some people could be recruited for several jobs at the university. Eventually, it would lead to development of the community apart from urban area.
As the reasons stated above, if I could change one thing in my hometown, I would form new routes subway transportation. It would help people to save time in everyday lives. Also, it results in flourishing of the communities along the subway.
Thailand, the country in which I live...
Thus, there are several kinds of the facilities established throughout the city for making people's lives convenient and better than ever before
.The Sky train and subway systems are some of the most significant examples... We have had the fast communication system for several years ago. However, it is restricted to be located nearby downtown. So, if I could have a chance to change one thing, I would like to set up new routes for sky train and make them more prevalentaccessible than they now are...
...Therefore, I must take several steps till being at my office. It makes me inconvenientinconveniences me.On the other hand,In addition, if such a subway station were closely located in my neighborhood...,
For instance, if a new university were founded nearby where they live, students would not need to admission to other distant universities.(revise for clarity)
As the reasons stated above, if I could change one thing in my hometown, I would form new routes for subway transportation.
I have made some corrections; added and crossed out some things that I think would improve the flow here. I hope this has been helpful. Good job and good luck!
Text in red color means change it to this.
Bangkok, being my hometown, is the heart of such development.
Thus, there are several kinds of the facilities established throughout the city for making people' lives convenient and better than ever before.
Sky train as well as the subway are some of the most significant examples.
We have had the fast communication system for several years ago. Re-write like this: We still have a fast communication system from several years ago.
DO NOT say this in your first paragraph: I am going to describe my reasons. remove it
Currently, even though my office is in downtown, I still have to use other modes public transport to reach the subway station because it is not nearby my home.
Therefore, I must walk several blocks until I ambeing at my office. It makes me incovenient. did you mean to say: This is inconvenient?
It is due to accurate time duration of subway transport ?
Glad to be of service, just fix those and you are good to go, pretty good essay.
Thank you Susan and arsenal10 .I appreciate your kind help :)
