A Gross Humor-light subject matter; satire.
WISE ANAL MAINTENANCE PASSED DOWN FROM THE GODS
Be careful. Unless you have the miraculous one wiper the skid may soon be present. Skid marks, contrary to popular belief affects both sexes, although deeply shrouded within male secrecy, and the women who must launder the affected garments. I offer suggestions and provide reasonable answers and insights into this embarrassing, natural phenomenon.
The problem seems monumental to the untrained mind. However, a deep penetrating wipe should eliminate the source of most fecal juice matter. Hairy sphincter, and residual blow-by, although the chief culprits, should not be the cause of unsightly roads, commonly known in some parts as John Denvers. I generally refrain from telling others what my pantaloons are concealing.
Even for me, an expert in the field, it is difficult to broach this subject-that is why the form of the essay is employed. As far as reappearing fecal abrasions, etched on white cotton: tights (or boxer shorts), panties or g-strings, I suggest a deliberate, aggressive pinching off the loaf in such a fashion as to create a return suction, and that should, in most situations, suffice to hinder that brown crayon like vestige from poking out, hanging out your behind, doodling on your shorts.
There are both pro's and con's to these methodologies. A good technique, which I can attest, consists of a few cups of strong coffee followed by a brisk morning walk of short distance-no longer than fifteen minutes; otherwise, you might not make it back. The exercise induced defecation can be quite explosive. The down draft, that you must be aware, can produce great spackling around the bowl (and in rare instances compromise the porcelain).This requires more maintenance than you might be prepared to accept; or the torpedo that blasts down the rabbit hole; that can cause a refreshing up-splash, that quick jet clean much like the fancy French bidets! Case in point, a brisk run of four miles, one-mile out, left me having contractions one-minute apart. Quick thinking placed me within a fresh portable latrine, at a construction sight, with an inviting blue tank below. The log hit the water, with such force it caused my back side to be covered in blue sanitation fluid-a blue moon occasion. I could dialogue a blue streak with examples as such.
Urges come and go infrequently. When you miss your opportunity then, hold your load on company time; a quick decision is needed. Is it better to do your business on company time. The detriment to this maneuver is lack of auxiliary items-a place to hang up your clothes(for those who must be totally nude) and the quiet time required. One cannot rush this step. I prefer taking a good solid fifteen minute dump on double time-as opposed to straight time-I found it to be much more rewarding.
Step one: relax the sphincter before and after. Of universal concern, toilet tissue consistency being rather soft, requiring many wipes or the unduly abrasive cheap, industrial quality that can cause undue chaffing, which may create a worse problem than the skid stains of the first order. The field expedient use of a whatever is available when in the woods or elsewhere without modern facilities; the rule of thumb is whatever is within a stones throw away: pine cones, leaves, socks, portions of t-shirts and sticks or stones.
A wipe and fold method can be of economical upside but a diarrhea disaster may make this impossible. Some use the "wipe-glance-fold" method which can obtain nine wipes all told. Others, use a "repetitive action" and drops without looking-or a combination thereof. I can assure you the old maxim, two-wipes a-gripe three wipes you're alright has impressive results. The repetitive action tends to be rather aggressive approach, and has a tendency to leave "butt flecks" on the back of the toilet seat-little brown, curled pieces of tissue. I would recommend the traditional WGF method, with the last three in the series lotion enhanced(I recommend burn balm salve or an economical lotion that purports to relieve burning and itching.); otherwise the evidence will be quite apparent.
The proper wipe procedure is paramount for the feminine concerns, which should not detract much from the male, since as far as proper wipe procedures, the frontal vs. reverse order wipe argument, the fecal residue is actually quite negligible and cannot reasonably taken into account. I scoff at those who say otherwise. Dangling, hairy balls pose an obstacle that no one disputes. Skid marks are not applicable if fecal is left on the nuts.
The anal bush dilemma does pose a significant disadvantage for most male counter parts; nevertheless, seldom found on females which certainly places an unfair factor to this controversy. Again, a razor to these tender areas can create a prickly environment, and may reduce natural conduits for heat reduction.
A preferable morning run, or any vigorous exercise can remove residual colon matter and loosen or dislodge fecal matter, a potential problem at work or school, or suffer the feared butt-cheek friction, which causes excessive heat. I would recommend a post fifteen minute wipe to sever unwanted dingleberry transfers. Otherwise, (brown) sweat could work itself into a lather if the proper surfactant is not used to clean your rear.
The other instrument that might have some unreliable consequences is the infamous, and not so too often talked about, liquid sensor; that my friends, is a fail safe disaster control mechanism which seems to eliminate the catastrophic as well as the common false fart. A worn out sensor can cause more than an embarrassing skidaroo: a poorly functioning sensor is aggravated by overuse through overeating. What goes in must come out. The consumption of some food products may contain the disagreeable "Olean" product that states can cause anal leakage, although a tendency regardless for those over weight. Excessive folds surrounding the anal extremities vex any other methodologies given so far-and the soaking of the anus seems to provide relief.
The deposit of an unsightly racing stripe, or racing stripes-posy traction-side-by-side-skids may be an achievement but it might also be time for new drawers, especially if it exhumes beyond the first layer of clothing. A skid mark that is visible to the casual observer may be a badge of honor in some provinces: although, the prideful skid mark may be the sign of a fallen angel.
Unexplainable things have fallen on cotton that has yet to be analyzed and appears as cottage cheese, Brie or some other cheese deposits or white chocolate, science is still investigating the array of these unnatural, unexplained objects.
Now, despite all the reasonable and necessary precautions, over the counter stain removers usually suffice. Sometimes a careful examination of the article of its crude, deplorable contents can dictate the appropriate action. In the absence of any action: one day a month bleach all cotton whites, call it Bleach Day. Denial can be a long river. Just admit it: I have poop stains.
As you can see, the problems of skid marks are ever more complex with too many issues to remedy on a single paper alone. I did not even discourse on the historical element, nor the athletic supporter, which uses the crack, to canal, which forces sweat at the base of the scrotum, a jock strap is then employed to collect the unsavory brown liquid. The notorious Greek wrestlers competed nude, and as skilled athletes, speaking strictly from historical context, had been instructed to take full advantage of their unsightly, crusty hairy ass in competition. Greeks are naturally hairy. Do you see the dilemma of the Roman world! Demetrius won the Spartan games year after year. This, of course, created an unfair advantage to say the least. Progression moved from supporters to tights. Modern wrestlers of the New World are known for especially close contact with their opponents-they are sure to create victories with this detestable edge.
The swim suit skids are prone to being chlorine resistant, as any Olympic swimmer could attest. Bicyclists have a similar problem when skid mark formulations occur at the frontal areas close to the testicles-and for the females, the verginer. The military man, has Saharan skids virtually all over the undergarment-and they may need to turn their undergarments inside out-and still maintain the use of baby wipes on the tender spots.
I apologize for my digression but I have done some partial research for an upcoming book club selection-Skid Marks: What's all the Rukkus about? I leave you these last words of wise advise passed down from the gods...Remember, it is not a skid mark unless it falls on your underwear.
