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descriptive essay-The heart of the Matter.



pnkberrychmpgneThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Geraldine Tan
   
Jun 4, 2009, 10:37pm   #1
The heart of the Matter.
An inspiring, strong, and caring person has a lot to offer especially if they care for that certain person. I am very thankful to have a loving family who supports me in any decisions that I make. Along with that I have a considerate sister who is like my second mother. The unexpected person comes at the right moment and therefore I've realized how lucky I am to have her as my sister. She may be an uptight, strict sister, but she's known for her vast responsibility as a sister, her sturdy personality and her diligent ways to be successful in life. The effort of reassurance that she shows to her love ones is invaluable.
No one would imagine how at an early age she already has a responsibility to overcome. She was born to have a responsibility that, in my opinion, no one would cope with the way she handles it. She grew up with two younger sisters. At an early age she took the responsibility of watching us mature and become the better person that we are. For instance she would give us pointers on our daily basis, boys, as well as surviving school. My little sister, Karen and I were like her daughters. A parent would be responsible for their daughters needs, but instead a sister would provide those needs to her siblings. Not only does she provide our needs, she would forsake her own desires for the sake of our needs like giving up her time for work just so she could provide commute for us. It's not that my parents lack their responsibilities as a guardian; it's just that they work so hard to provide the needs that my elder sister cannot provide. She is one inspiring sister that anyone should be thankful for.
Aside from my sister's early child responsibility, she is blessed with a friendly personality. Beside from her responsibilities at home she still manages to meet new friends. She is very generous when it comes to her friends, reliable when in time of needs. A very open-minded person so there is no need to be ashamed to open up to her. Karla is the type of person where she sticks to her own words. People would want to be around her because she is very concern and thoughtful. My sister finds ways to really help her friends, like for instance she encourages her friend Amie to pursue her studies because it is for Amie's future success. Yet, Amie continues her lack of prioritizing in school, but my sister didn't give up on her. A true friend sticks around till the end of difficulty.
Out of all the responsibilities and charming personality, one major blessing is her success in life. Karla experienced the obstacle that was destined to her yet she didn't let her studies get in the way. At first she didn't know what wants to pursue. It was difficult for her to decide whether she should pursue her dream of becoming an archeologist or a medical assisting career. Once again, she put her dream aside and chose to become a medical assisting. My sister realized that what she chose was for the good of her family. She is currently attending Heald college and because of all her hard working in school she will be graduating her medical assisting degree this coming October. We are very excited and thrilled to see my elder sister walk that stage and see her receive her diploma. She is truly one hard-working sister.
Despite of her challenges in life she continues to aim for the best. A person's positive attitude is admired by the people surrounding her. It is a blessing to have her as my sister because then I can brag everyone how lucky I am to have a sister like her. Everyone should surround themselves to this kind of person because they show positive attitude towards others as well as success in school or at work. What matters the most is that she wants the best for her love ones. Karla shows it by action and not by words because she knows that showing it by actions makes a person feel loved. What's in her heart is what matter her the most. So what more could you ask for? It is flattering how she influenced people to be like her; therefore she should be rewarded as worlds' best's sister, best friend, and daughter.



EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,094
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 5, 2009, 07:39am   #2
You are, indeed, lucky to have such a sister. This is a lovely character sketch, but I worry that it may fall short in some areas if what your instructor wants is a descriptive essay. You have used many strong adjectives to describe your sister's personality, and that's excellent. But I notice that I have no idea what your sister looks like. For me, there's a blank at the center of this essay because I cannot visualize its subject.

It's hard for readers to identify with people they cannot visualize. And, in descriptive essays, teachers like to see sensory imagery -- details that refer to sight, sound, touch, taste, or smell; such details make descriptions much more vivid and individual.

So, please cut some of the vague statements such as your first sentence in order to make room for such details. At minimum, tell us what your sister looks like. You might, for example, say whether she is tall or short, thin or plump, or what kind of clothes she likes to wear. Is there anything about how she looks that makes her stand out from the crowd? Moving on to other senses, is her voice harsh or soothing, loud or soft? Does she always wear a certain scent?

Staying with the subject of details, your instructor might also want to see some examples that illustrate the adjectives you use in describing your sister. You say that she is an "uptight, strict sister" and also that she has a "friendly personality." Is there any little incident that shows why you say these things? Again, to make room, you could omit some of the sentences that aren't really about your sister, such as "Everyone should surround themselves to this kind of person because they show positive attitude towards others as well as success in school or at work."

Good luck!


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,666
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 5, 2009, 04:01pm   #3
When writing this sort of essay, you should revise by pretending you don't know the person in the essay at all. If you read over what you have written as if you had never met Karla, what sort of mental image of her do you get? As Simone pointed out, at the moment, the answer is that you don't really get any sort of picture of her at all. Moreover, when attributing personality traits to a person in a descriptive piece (either in an essay like this, or as part of a longer narrative), it is important that you show these traits through your physical description of your sister and of her actions. Don't just tell, because telling is deadly dull. Bear this in mind as you revise, and your essay will become much stronger.


pnkberrychmpgneThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Geraldine Tan
   
Jun 5, 2009, 04:39pm   #4
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I'm deff. gonna consider your comment=)

one last thing, how is my grammar? thank you! =]


EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,094
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 5, 2009, 05:57pm   #5
pnkberrychmpgne:

one last thing, how is my grammar?


Your sentence and paragraph structures are generally sound, but you make minor word errors that, in accumulation, diminish the effectiveness of your prose. You sometimes omit words or commas, as follows:

She is currently attending Heald college, and because of all her hard work in school she will be graduating with her medical assistant degree this coming October.

Despite of her challenges in life, she continues to aim for the best.

It is a blessing to have her as my sister because then I can brag to everyone how lucky I am to have a sister like her.

One way to catch missing words and commas is to read your essay out loud to yourself. You will notice any extra or missing words more easily than by reading silently. Similarly, commas signal pauses, so you will know that you need to add a comma if you feel like pausing but there is no comma to tell you to do so. If a comma tells you to pause when it feels odd to pause, maybe that comma is unnecessary or misplaced.


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,666
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 5, 2009, 06:17pm   #6
In need of some revision:

"An inspiring, strong, and caring person has a lot to offer, especially if they care for that certain person.

"Not only does she provide for our needs, she would often forsakes the pursuit of her own desires for the sake of our needs, such as like giving up her time for work just so she could can provide commute transportation for us"

Those are just a couple of examples. Revise the essay as Simone and I have suggested before worrying too much about this. There is not much point in our correcting the grammar in sentences you are going to cut or rewrite anyway. Get the next draft done, and once you have the content in a more or less final format, then we can help you polish the writing grammatically.




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