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Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it?



ARIAThreads: 16
Posts: 73
Author: ARIAN REZAII
 Likes 1  
Apr 13, 2011, 10:09am   #1
Hi Guys
Thank you in advance for your comment and suggestion.
Is any body knows how I can add a graph or image which its format is not with .jpg
actually I wrote a task 1 writing and I don't have the electronic version of the chart. how can I attach the image. the only thing that I have is just "scrap object"
it would be great if to find.
Aria

People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?


There are different definitions for a perfect society, which could be made from different points of views. Human beings during the history always tried to create one of these communities as groups, countries, tribes, etc, and because of different reasons its effort could not have a brilliant result. I believe an ideal society is a place which all people have the same right and freedom regardless to their colours, religions, or ethnicities. it has a healthy and logical structures, which help the society to reach in a perfect relationship, and achieves its goal.

Nowadays, the most important issue for any person is living in an egalitarian society. All people should have the same right and freedom for the way they want to live. This right should be available for all members of society, regardless to their mode of thinking, belief, or race. In this way these people consider the society their own home and help to increase the quality and value of there. Now we can observe an influx of immigration from different nationality to different developed countries, which praise this value and equality and contribute on empowerment of those countries as their own country.

More over, an ideal community is a place where is build upon a healthy and logical structure. In such a place any kind of problem is each person problem and would be discussed within the members of the society regarding to their expertise, and the resolution come out by a healthy and open mind discussion from inside of that society. It can be clearly seen that in most of the developed countries, which led the main economical and technological powers in the last two centuries, the solutions for their problems came out from their own by smart decision based on their public opinions.

In a nutshell, although there could be a different definition for a perfect society, I believe a perfect society is one where all members have the same right and with freedom, so they easily can collaborate to plan and achieve their goal in order to make their future.



MiiSTiiCZThreads: 4
Posts: 13
Author: Collin Anderson
   
Apr 13, 2011, 10:48am   #2
Great essay, Aria! Your organization was great, you had a decent variation of sentence lengths and structure, your points and evidence were solid, and your essay stayed very focused! The only things that I really see are some minor subject-verb and verb-tense agreements.

"There are different definitions for a perfect society, which could be made from different points of views veiw"

"Human beings during the throughout history always tried as groups, countries, tribes, etc, to create one of these communities. However,, because of different due to various reasons, its their effort efforts could not have a brilliant result results.

Those are just a couple examples. If you could just look through the essay and watch for verb-tense and subject-verb agreement, your essay will be even more solid. Happy writing! :)


ARIAThreads: 16
Posts: 73
Author: ARIAN REZAII
 Likes 1  
Apr 13, 2011, 10:57am   #3
Thank you very much Collin

I really apreciate it. I actually was reading one of your comments on an essay which I found it vey useful, when I came back I have already put some comment on my essay. This kind of elaborative suggestions make us to say: this site is a perfect place for improving our writing. After finding this site I can say I love to write in english[i][/i].

Aria


ekekekThreads: 25
Posts: 89
Author: katie
   
Apr 13, 2011, 11:01am   #4
This right should be available for all members of society, regardless toof their mode of thinking, belief, or race.


MiiSTiiCZThreads: 4
Posts: 13
Author: Collin Anderson
   
Apr 13, 2011, 12:41pm   #5
ARIA:
Thank you very much Collin

I really apreciate it. I actually was reading one of your comments on an essay which I found it vey useful, when I came back I have already put some comment on my essay. This kind of elaborative suggestions make us to say: this site is a perfect place for improving our writing. After finding this site I can say I love to write in english


No problem Aria! I'm very glad I could help :) I've done a lot of writing, and I know how hard it is if someone just mentions one thing. It's easier to get better when someone takes the time to read through the whole essay and identify the things that can be improved. I figure if I'm expecting that from other people that I need to give that kind of feedback to others as well.

MiiSTiiCZ:
"Human beings during the throughout history always tried as groups, countries, tribes, etc, to create one of these communities. However, because of different due to various reasons, its their effort efforts could not have a brilliant result results.


I don't feel that I explained myself very well in my previous post. I showed some examples of what could be changed, but I didn't really explain why.

There are some words in the English language that mean similar things, but fit better in certain sentences than in others. I replaced "during" with "throughout" for that reason.

I removed the word "the" because "the history" would refer to one particular history. If you take out "the", then the word "history" now refers to all history.

I removed "always" because in this case, it is a qualifier. What this means is that it changes the quality of the word it is modifying. This can lead to entirely different meanings of sentences. Amazing the power that one word can have, isn't it? For example, the sentence was originally written "Human beings... history always tried..." This sentence kind of makes it sound like that humans have been mainly focused on creating communities like this and not doing much else. I can't exactly figure out what I want to say, if that makes sense. I can't put what I'm thinking into words in regards to that, so I apologize if it doesn't make sense.

The reason I moved "as groups, countries, tribes, etc" was because a different meaning was implied that what I believe you intended.

"... always tried to create one of these communities as groups, countries, tribes, etc," to me makes the sentence a little bit unclear. If "as groups, countries, tribes, etc" is put before the "create one of these communities" it makes things a little bit clearer. Now, it kind of sounds like the humans worked together with the people in their groups and countries to try to create these communities. If "as groups, countries, tribes, etc" comes after "create one of these communities", the sentence then kind of sounds like that humans tried to create the communities by forming groups, tribes, and countries. Can you see what I mean? I'm sorry... I'm having a little bit of trouble getting things from my mind to the screen at this point, so I'm sorry if these things don't make a lot of sense.

I changed "its" to "their" because the sentence began by talking about humans, which is plural, and "its" is singular. Does that make sense?

I added an "s" to "effort" because there were many efforts to create these kinds of communities, not just one effort. I changed "result" to "results" for the same reason... because there were more than one effort, there would also be more than one result.

I hope this helps a little bit more. Good luck!


ARIAThreads: 16
Posts: 73
Author: ARIAN REZAII
 Likes 1  
Apr 14, 2011, 10:20am   #6
Thank you again Collin and this time I have to appreciate more. I absolutely understand what you mean and you effectively convey what you wanted to say. as I told before now I try to write more and be cautious about what I write, which reflect my opinion; however it seems a little difficult for a non English native speaker to express the feeling in English. The main point is to try more.
I am looking forward to seeing that my essays be revised by you.
Have a great time
Aria


Real FogThreads: 5
Posts: 70
Author: Turbina
   
Apr 14, 2011, 01:43pm   #7
I will try to handle with the rest...

More over Moreover, an ideal community is a place where (a noun is missing) is built upon a healthy and logical structure. In such a place any kinds of problems are each person's problems and would be discussed within the members of the society regarding to their the expertise, and the resolution come out by a healthy and open-mind discussion from inside of that society. It can be clearly seen that in most of the developed countries, which led to the main economical and technological powers in the last two centuries, the solutions for their problems came out from their own by smart decisions based on their public opinions.

In a nutshell, although there could be a different definition for a perfect society, I believe a perfect society is one, where all members have the same rights and with freedom, so they can easily can collaborate to plan and achieve their goals in order to make their future.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,155
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Apr 15, 2011, 07:25pm   #8
ARIA:
from different points of views.

You can pluralize it this way:
.... from different points of view.

And I see that Turbina already pointed out that "moreover" is one word, not 2.

A lot of great corrections are in this thread. I guess you are very popular here, Aria. :-)

Great job! Type it again with the corrections if you have time.




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