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corrections in my essay "aspects of teenage life"



hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 7, 2011, 07:39am   #1
Teenage life is one of the most alluring part of an individual's life. Although, in accordance with my opinion, i dont believe in the wonders of teenage life. I dont agree with the common view that teenage is the most beautiful age in the life of a man. I believe in the fact that teenagers are the ones who undergo most of the sorrows and dissatisfactions of life.

While teenagers, the immature adults, move on with time, they face many challenges and problems. As they are those who are midway between childhood and adulthood, the changes in their mental abilities bring about a revolution in their calm and peaceful world. The adolescents though enjoy the wonders of life.none are able to get what they they should have or what they aim to get. Teenagers render this as the most unfair aspect of this age.

the toughest load on this age is studies;the time when they have to decide the aspects of their future.which field they have to opt in future depends upon how diligently they avail their abilities, skill and aptitude. Although bieng the toughest,these are no doubt those precious moments they wish to enjoy again. Their colours are just apprehendible for those who have done with it.

coming to the interest of most teenagers; the teenage crush, which means to them more than anything. when it is also true that this is the love they forget with time and if they are reminded, they just laugh and exclaim "was this the thing we were ready to die for HUH". so nothing to worry about, just enjoy and dont spare your precious tears for it.

independence is one aspect that secures the first place in teenagers 'demand list'. they reckon it to be the key to all happiness. but beware!!! it is a key to more horrible aspect. What the teenagers demand for is latest model cellphone, enjoy party at friends' place and open choice to move about. although they are leading to adult age, the idea that they are enough sensible to tackle with situations is wrong. basically, they are not yet mature in their mental level and are attracted to such liberties like a moth to a fire. they blame parents for not allowing them but it is a very necessary move that the parents make to restrict their enigma to one particular direction.

most teenagers are in a complex of their appearance and surroundings and want to see them as a perfect model and so little disabilities and "normalities" in their features are big issue for them. "i am fat" or "i am ugly" or "i am not good at that like him/her" are the most audible things they claim. well i would suggest them to adopt the opinion that superiority or inferiority is basically decided by your performance in studies and the way of life you spend; as all of you are gifted with the same talent and abilities. and remember "nobody is perfect".

Death of a parent or sibling (god forbid!) seriously impacts ones life. you actually feel left out when your friends and people around you talk about their respective parent, being very rich or brave or intelligent, when actually you have lost that person. you may have to face certain financial and domestic problems too, due to which you cannot lead a life of a normal teenager. this situation is not only for people belonging to a certain age, rather for people of all ages. and the worst thing is that people around you dont treat you normally,making your loss a constant drawback in life.

the worst aspect is maybe being a drug addict. in third world countries. it is quite common among teenagers. drug addicts live in the world of their own and so are "dead" to the world.

thus, curtailing the aspects, its clear that the aspect of teenage themselves have their good or bad sides and depends upon how the situation is coped up.keeping in view your abilities, i suggest you to enjoy your teenage to its full length.

hafsa abid
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 7, 2011, 10:45am   #2
please i need corrections from everyone.........
JessicambrunoThreads: 2
Posts: 4
Author: Jessica M Bruno     		Apr 7, 2011, 02:33pm   #3
I am unsure of the question you are trying to answer or if you are just writting about the teenage life but i have a few things i thought you might want to consider for the outsider readding the essay.

Teenage life is one of the most alluring part of an individual's life. Although, in accordance with my opinion, i dont believe in the wonders of teenage life. I dont agree with the common view that teenage is the most beautiful age in the life of a man. I believe in the fact that teenagers are the ones who undergo most of the sorrows and dissatisfactions of life.
* I'm not sure if the word accordance should be there as you are not comparing your opinion to someone else and you are just making a statement.

While teenagers, the immature adults, move on with time, they face many challenges and problems. As they are those who are midway between childhood and adulthood, the changes in their mental abilities bring about a revolution in their calm and peaceful world. The adolescents though enjoy the wonders of life.none are able to get what they they should have or what they aim to get. Teenagers render this as the most unfair aspect of this age.
Revoultion of who our what I think the idea of a revoultion is interesting and i'd like to read more about what they are writting.
i would change this to the following :
Teenagers, are those who are midway between childhood and adulthood, the changes in their mental abilities bring about a revolution in their calm and peaceful world.( that statement doesnt seem right )the toughest load on this age is studies;the time when they have to decide the aspects of their future. A teenage much decide which field should enter into professionally based upon their skill and aptitude.
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 8, 2011, 01:51am   #4
hello jessica,


thanks for your help.............what is the problem with "immature adults"......................and i also want comments about overall essay.........please...
ScientianaThreads: 12
Posts: 132
Author: Annika Liana  Likes 10   		Apr 8, 2011, 05:59am   #5
However, in accordance with my opinion, i don't believe in the wonders of teenage life. I don't agree with the common view that the teens is the most beautiful age of the life of a person.

As they are those who are midway between childhood and adulthood, the changes in their mental abilities bring about a revolution in their calm and peaceful world. The adolescents though enjoy the wonders of life, none are able to get what they they should have or what they aim to get.

The toughest load at this age is studies. It is the time that they have to decide the aspects of their future. Which field they have to opt in future depends upon how diligently they avail their abilities, skill and aptitude. Although being the toughest,these are no doubt those precious moments they wish to enjoy again. (I don't understand this sentence). Their colours are just comprehensible for those who have done with it.

Coming to the interest of most teenagers, the teenage crush which means to them more than anything. when It is also true that this is the love they forget with time and if they are reminded, they will just laugh and exclaim "was this the thing we were ready to die for HUH". So nothing to worry about, just enjoy and don't spare your precious tears for it.

Independence is one aspect that secures the first place in teenagers' demanding list. They reckon it to be is the key to all happiness, but beware!!! It is a key to more horrible aspects. What the teenagers demand for is the latest model cellphone, enjoying party at friends' places and open choice to move about. Although they are leading to adult age, the idea that they are enough sensible enough to tackle with situations is wrong. Basically, they are not yet mature in their mental level and are attracted to such liberties like a moth to a fire. They blame parents for not allowing them but it is a very necessary move that the parents make to restrict their enigma to one particular direction.

Most teenagers are in a their complex of their appearance and surroundings, so they want to see them as a perfect model. so Little disabilities and "abnormalities" in their features are big issue for them. "I am fat" or "I am ugly" or "i am not good at that like him/her" are the most audible things they claim. Well i would suggest them to adopt the opinion that superiority or inferiority is basically decided by your performance in studies and the way of life you spend; as all of you are gifted with the same talent and abilities and remember "nobody is perfect".

You may have to face certain financial and domestic problems too, due to which so you cannot lead a life of a normal teenager. This situation is not only for people belonging to a certain age, rather but for people of all ages. The worst thing is that people around you don't treat you normally, making your loss a constant drawback in life.
 ( I don't understand this sentence. You should rewrite it)
In the third world countries. it is quite common among teenagers. Drug addicts live in the world of their own and so are "dead" to the world.

Thus, curtailing the aspects, it is clear that the aspects of teenagers themselves have both their good and bad sides and depends upon how the situation is coped up. In my point of view, i suggest you to enjoy your teens to its full length.


I think you have to capitalize the letters at the beginning of every sentence.
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 8, 2011, 07:34am   #6
yeah........actually typing wasnt done by me so i couldnt do it...thanks for the tips


and one more thing....the word normalities i wrote was because they are creating issues on normal features...........wasnt this point of view correct?
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]    		Apr 9, 2011, 09:11am   #7
Hello Hafsa,

I came right over to this thread to see if I could help, because I saw your excellent discussions in some other threads. Thanks for being here and making EssayForum a better resource by adding your ideas!

hafsa abid:
Death of a parent or sibling (god forbid!) seriously impacts ones life. you actually feel left out when your friends and people around you talk about their respective parent, being very rich or brave or intelligent, when actually you have lost that person.

This is powerful writing! How insightful....

I see some places where you failed to capitalize the first word of a sentence, though. Also, I'll make some small changes:
The death of a parent or sibling (God forbid!) seriously impacts...

Add an apostrophe: one's life.

Capitalize:
You actually feel left out when your friends and people around you talk about their respective parents being very rich, brave, or intelligent, when actually you have lost that person.----Thisis my favorite part of the essay. I think you are a profound philosopher.
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 9, 2011, 10:44am   #8
thanks for appreciation.....
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]    		Apr 9, 2011, 10:49am   #9
I did not notice this until now:
Most teenagers are in a complex over their appearance and surroundings and want to see themselves as a perfect models without any disabilities and "abnormalities" in their features. are big issue for them. I fixed it and simplified it.

People try to avoid abnormalities. ;-) But I think abnormalities are cool.
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 9, 2011, 11:29am   #10
of course......yet also to my opinion....being different from others is cool...abnormalities are cool.......... i had like to mention this as thats what i am experiencing..........
bidenThreads: -
Posts: 2
Author: sam     		Apr 9, 2011, 02:59pm   #11
Nice work Hafsa,

and really good feedback Scientiana and Jessica.

Look forward to see more suggestions and writings.
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		Apr 28, 2011, 08:13am   #12
what are the further efforts i could make to strengthen this writing or any other of mine?
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]    		Apr 30, 2011, 04:42pm   #13
hafsa abid:
what are the further efforts i could make to strengthen this writing or any other of mine?


Oh, I don't know. Writing is art. How can one improve art? Remember, even if you have grammar errors, you have something unique to contribute every time you write. Your linguistic and cultural background combine with English to produce something truly meaningful

If you want to read a book to help you improve, try Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

:-)
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		May 1, 2011, 04:03am   #14
thanks kevin
Shohruhbek1995Threads: -
Posts: 2
Author: Sobirjanov Shohruh     		May 1, 2011, 09:26am   #15
I began to write essay a month ago. I want to improve my writing skills too. For that I am reading more book. Reading is foundation of everything. And the essay was excellent.
dumbdumbThreads: 3
Posts: 24
Author: meeshal khan     		May 1, 2011, 10:44am   #16
are u preparing for the cie exams or something?? cuz if u are i could help u a bit
hafsa abidThreads: 5
Posts: 57
Author: hafsa abid     		May 3, 2011, 09:28am   #17
hmmmm...........please...
IridescentThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Sarah Sajid     		Oct 30, 2011, 07:19am   #18
That was perfectly delivered. You covered almost all the aspects of a teenager's emotional and life longing difficulties very beautifully.
To tell you the truth... tu aala likhti he yaar ;D
joeservidioThreads: 4
Posts: 15
Author: mike jones     		Oct 30, 2011, 09:22am   #19
heyy, this is really good. after reading the first few sentences, i was nervous that your claim was a little too radical. however, you supported it fantastically. i agree with all the corrections already stated above. i just wanted to tell you that i liked your essay :)


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