However, an issue whether computers games are harmful to children or not has recently changed into a controversial topic in the modern societiescame to people's mind recently.
As far as I am concerned
This expression is used in speaking not in writing.
People, who support that computer games are dangerous for children, giving some following reasons.
Do not use "following reasons". The topic sentence should be interesting. In addition, it is not appropriate to use the phrase "to begin with" in the middle of a paragraph. It is usually used at the very beginning of a paragraph.
some popular computer games are full of violence,
It would be better to mention the names of some games. When you give some more detail about an issue or an example you can make it more believable and convincing.
which will drive the crime rate
how may it increase the crime rate? It is not clear. U tried to explain it through the next sentence but your supporting sentence was not strong enough. U could talk about this fact that the heroes of computer games are unconsciously changed into role models of children (Some of these superheroes are murderers and criminals).
their mental development
I think the term "cognitive development" is better.
After playing computer games, they will summarize some certain methods to win games. Thus, it is helpful for children to become more intelligent.
add an example to make your idea more clear.
From my part, I want to take a balanced position. There are both advantages and disadvantages to computer games.. When children want to relive the academic burden , children can play some computer games. Parents should take the responsibility to supervise their children in order to make their children not play overly computer games
In the conclusion you should restate the thesis statement (reword the topic) before stating your opinion. In fact the conclusion should include the following parts: 1) Restated thesis statement; 2) Your opinion; 3) Clincher :Ending statement
