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[chart] The life cycle of silkworm. IELTS



ARIAThreads: 16
Posts: 73
Author: ARIAN REZAII
 Likes 1  
Apr 14, 2011, 02:02pm   #1
Hi Penfriends
there is an Task 1 IELTS writing.
I appreciate your time and all of your effort for your suggestion.
Aria



The first diagram shows the life cycle of the silkworm, which takes around 72-94 days and the second diagram shows the process in which the silk textile are made from the cocoons, a part of the silkworm life cycle.
According to the first figure the silkworm life cycle starts from laying eggs from mature moth. After 10 days that the larvae come out of the eggs and start to consume mulberry leaves as their main source of nutrition. During the next 4-6 weeks they become larger in size and start to secret silk fibre, which makes a shelter around them and is known as Cocoon. In the next 3-8 days the cocoon become totally close from inside and the larvae complete their last phase of metamorphism in the next 16 days. At the end of this period the mature moth come out from the cocoon and start a new life cycle in its own round.

The fate of the cocoon to become a silk fabric is started after selecting of the cocoons in the first step. Later the cocoons are put in the boiled water, by which the micro fibre of the silk that their length varied between 300-900 meter are unwind from the cocoons and twisted together to become a thicker and stronger thread. Those threads will be dyeing in different colours and send to the last step of producing the silk cloth, which is known as weaving.



  • figurs 1 & 2
    figurs 1 & 2


MiiSTiiCZThreads: 4
Posts: 13
Author: Collin Anderson
   
Apr 14, 2011, 11:34pm   #2
Great essay Aria!! There's only a couple minor grammatical errors that I'm seeing. Everything else looks fantastic!

"..., which takes around 72-94 days, and the..."

This comma needs to be there because "which takes around 72-94 days" is an appositive. An appositive is something that elaborates on the subject of the sentence, and the sentence usually makes perfect sense without the appositive. When appositives are inserted, to make it clear to the reader, I was taught that they are usually opened and closed with a comma, but I don't know if that is an official rule.

"... in which the silk textile textiles..."

The "s" is added onto "textile" here because of subject-verb agreement. "Are" is a plural verb, so the subject of the sentence must also be plural, because the verb and subject must align.

"After 10 days, that the larvae..."

In this case, "that" is an unnecessary word. The comma is added after "days" because "After 10 days" is an introductory clause. The rest of the sentence can be read without the introductory clause and still make sense, just as a sentence can be read without appositives as well.

"... start to secret secrete..."

"Secret" and "secrete" actually mean different things. However, the main difference is that "secret" can be a noun or an adjective, while "secrete" is a verb. Because of this word's position function in this particular sentence, it needs to be a verb, so "secrete" needs to be used.

"... known as a cocoon."

In this case, "a" needs to be added because there are many cocoons, and in this case, the sentence is referring to just one cocoon. The word "a" makes it so that the sentence is referring to one cocoon out of many cocoons.

"In the next 3-8 days,"

The comma needs to because it is an introductory phrase, which I explained a couple paragraphs above this one.

"At the end of this period,"

Same thing again... it's an introductory clause so it should have a comma after it.

"of the silk, that their length varied with lengths varying between 300-900 meters, are unwind unwound..."

The commas needs to be added because the information between them isn't necessary for the sentence to make sense; it's another appositive. Changing "that their length varied" to "with lengths varying" is something that I can't remember a rule that applies, but I know that "with lengths varying" works a little bit better in that sentence than "that their length varied". I'll do some research and post again if I can find a rule to verify my correction.

"...will be dyeing dyed..." This is one of those tricky things... In this case, because the dyeing isn't happening at the present (in the essay) then it needs to be "dyed" because it's referring to the dyeing occurring at a different time in the future. I can't explain it very well, but "will be dyed" is what is called future perfect tense. You can Google search "future perfect tense" and hopefully you can find a website that can explain it better than I can.

Great job on this essay, Aria! Just watch those introductory clauses and appositives... you're doing great! Keep it up!


ARIAThreads: 16
Posts: 73
Author: ARIAN REZAII
 Likes 1  
Apr 15, 2011, 09:32am   #3
Thank again you Collin for your fabulous comments.

Actually I copy all of your suggestions and keep those separately in a file, because i am afraid i will lose them if I keep them just here. It is more effective to learn while you learn from your own mistakes. I have been writing english for about one year on and off, but never I have the same understanding of some of my mistakes and notions such as apposition and verbs tenses.

Have a great time
Aria


ekekekThreads: 25
Posts: 89
Author: katie
   
Apr 15, 2011, 11:30am   #4
ARIA~~nice job~~^0^

I merely could add some advices in the beginng~~

The first diagram shows the life cycle of the silkworm, which takes around 72-94 days and the second diagram shows the process in which the silk textile are made from the cocoons, a part of the silkworm life cycle.

maybe the begining could be change into: (make your sentences seems more changable~~)

The first diagram shows the life cycle of the silkworm indicated how a silkworm changed into a mature moth , which takes around 72-94 days and the second diagram shows the process in which the silk textile are made from the cocoons, a part of the silkworm life cycle.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Apr 16, 2011, 04:50pm   #5
...part of the silkworm life cycle.----I think this is okay, because you are using "silkworm" as an adjective, just like you are using "life" as an adjective, to describe the noun "cycle"...
however, you could use an apostrophe and s:
silkworm's life cycle.

... by which the micro fibre of the silk, which can vary in length between 300-900 meters, are unwind unwound from the ...

Very good! You don't need much help, English pro!




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