Hi , I have some suggestions that you can find them below:
1. I think you should work on vocabulary. The words that u used in the essay are a little simple, try to use stronger words.
2. You did not argue the topic!!. The topic was about the long hours that people spending on texting rather than communicating face to face. But, what you wrote was about advantages and disadvantage of cell phone. You, even did not focus on advantages and disadvantages of texting. You could mention these ideas:a) use of texting instead face to face interaction may have negative effects on people's relationships, b) some time it may change into an addiction and a permanent habit which negatively impact many aspects of life, ranging from productivity of employees and social isolation. c) This habit also cause people cannot interact with elderly people who do not know how to use this technology.
3. This topic is "agree and disagree". In this type you should give your opinion and explain your ideas through at least three paragraphs.
Today, urban people
, who live in city, have to rush to catch up the pace of modernized lifestyle. (before talking about texting you should write a sentence about the use of mobile phone and sending messages to prepare a reader for this matter)Texting all of time is not good, but for others, it 's is (do not use contraction in writing) the fastest and most convenient way to save time. In this essay, I will deliberately consider each opinion.(this is an "agree or disagree" topic. You should not discuss both viewpoints. Choose one, either agree or disagree, do not do both as you are not comparing two things rather making a point and backing up your ideas within the essay . At the last part of the introduction, in this type of topic, you should clearly write that you agree or disagree with the statement. what you wrote is appropriate for the topics at which are asked "discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion". This is different from "agree or disagree".)
Clearly, cell phone makes life easier
., Eespecially for business men and long-distance call. Suppose a businessman who is working in Egypt and have to say something important to his partner in America. If he liveswere in 18th century, he would have to go to America and talk to his partner, but today, he just has to make a call. For people who live far apart from others, cell phone becomes more convenient. If in 17th century, people have to wait for a moth even a year to receive replies, but today, they just wait a minute to receive messages. Imaging, would Romeo and Juliet die if Friar Lawrence has a cell phone at that time? (what you discussed in this paragraph is not focus on the topic. The topic is about the high number of messages that people send for each other instead interact face to face. But, what you mentioned above was about the advantages of cell phone. )
However, another drawback of texting is people will depend seriously on technology. Some teen nowadays can't be separated from their cell phone even in a minute. They depended on it and abused it; they use cell phone all of time: in school, after school and at home. Some mobile phones, which are now evolved, allow users to watch movies, listen to music, read books and make a video call. People, who use this cell phone, no need to worry about whether they can see people who're talking. With this improvement, people no longer needs to by television, books anymore because mobile phone can do everything. Remember what happened in Wall-E, human totally depend on technology. On the spacecraft, people also talk to a screen, which convey the image of whom they're talking to and just beside them . Suddenly, they see each other in person, feeling of strange is on their face. What happened if these things come true? (I think this paragraph has the same problem that I pointed out for the previous one. You should be careful about what exactly the topic want)
To sum up, we should balance using cell phone in communicating with others people in flesh. We should only use cell phones when necessary and spend the rest of the time doing something else such as study, play sport or chatting with other people on a tea table.