A new essay! Please read and express your opinion! Thank you!
The Ideal Community
Good school, public transportation, police protection, and the appearance of a neighborhood, all may exist together in one place, but I have not find that place yet. The qualities of a community are significant and represent priorities in selecting one. While some people prefer communities with good schools and police protection, others like better public transportation and good appearance of the zone. Good schools have high expectations of what students could do, and belief that all children could learn. Also, high-quality neighborhood represents a safe and quiet area. A good neighborhood and schools are the most important to be consider for an ideal community.
The appearance of a neighborhood is essential and confers a sense of safety in community. A quiet vicinity offers peace and relaxing time. After a long and hard working day, everyone hopes to find the home, an enjoyable space. For example, watching TV or having diner with the family represent moments of relaxing. In addition, a region without too many police cars roaming, represent a safety place. However, the fights in the neighbor's houses or between neighbors create a tension atmosphere. When I moved to California, a friend of mine rented a house for my family. The rent was cheap because the neighborhood was awful. Every hour, the police car's siren, could be heard. Also, my neighbor fought on the street almost every day. I moved from that area after a short time. Now, my house is in a pleasant place. I have been living here for ten years. People are polite and respect each other. I can hear them talking on the street. Good appearances of the neighborhood create a safety atmosphere in the community.
Another quality for an ideal community is to have good schools. Excellent schools have students who are strongly motivated for learning. Outstanding students' performances require many hours of study. As a result, students concerning in learning, have no time for fighting on the street. A good school has hired only high qualified teachers. This is a guarantee that the teachers use the best method and enough resources. Likewise, students are more confident because teachers make them to believe in their abilities. In an ideal community, the schools have a beneficial community support, too. For example, parents can ask and support after school programs. Their children have opportunity to learn things that are not in school curriculum. Also, parents donate money for school because it is an investment in students' education. Good schools represent a warranty for a high-quality community.
Both, good school and the appearance of a neighborhood, symbolize the ideal community. Safe neighborhood and community support promises a peaceful area where students can achieve great performances. In addition, people prefer to move around good schools because represent a warranty for a good neighborhood. A community with good school, public transportation, police protection, and the appearance of the neighborhood is hard to be found. Many communities have just one or two of these qualities and people take that advantage to consider their community, as an ideal once.Good school, public transportation, police protection, and the appearance of a neighborhood all may exist together in one place, maybe exist, but I have not find that place yet.
The appearance of a neighborhood is essential and confers a sense of safety in community.
A q uiet vicinity offers peace and relaxing times .
When I moved to California...
Outstanding students' performances require many hours of study.
Orlando, if you want feedback on your own writing, you should post your essay in a new thread. This one is supposed to be all about helping bubuvio improve his essay.
bubuvio, you might want to more clearly define what you mean by "good neighborhood" and "good schools" in your introduction. We can more or less figure it out by the end of your essay, but it would be nice to know in advance where you are going to go with your arguments.
Oh ok, bubuvio has asked me to write my own essay about a topic he was going post. I thought I should have posted it here. Sorry
bubovio could you post your last draft, and your new corrections.
thank you.
Here is the last draft. A add more to the intro. Thank you, Simone for grammar and Sean for clarifications! I look forward for a new feedback.
I just gave another student feedback on an essay on this topic, and I'll give the same advice here as I did there -- you need to find some unifying principle you can tie all of your points back to. What connects neighborhood appearance and schools? How do they both work together to improve the neighboorhood in a single way or set of ways? Having a common element will greatly strengthen your essay.
Right. An overarching theme -- something that connects all of the elements that you believe are most essential to the ideal community -- would make this (and any other essay on this topic) stronger.
Thanks! I changed the conclusion trying to tie both characteristics of an ideal community. Is that better than before? Is, still there, room for more description?
Noticed this in your other essay too -- be careful with your conjugation of perfect tenses:
"Good school, public transportation, police protection, and the appearance of a neighborhood, all may exist together in one place, but I have not found that place yet."
