Hi everybody!!
I am studying in order to take the IELTS exam. I would really appreciate if one could see my essays and guess a score for them!!
Thanks so much!!
The two pie charts depict the percentage of young male and female people which share their spare time joining in cultural and leisure activities.
It is clearly seen that boys are much more interested in computer games than girls (34% against 16%), while girls enjoy reading in an extremely higher way than boys (21% against 2%).
The highest percentage of the graph is related to sport activities, in the boys' case (54%). This number is almost three times as much the summing of the slices regarded to listening to music and reading (10% and 2%, respectively).
It is interesting to note that the shares related to sport activities and related to listening to music showed by the second graph (the girls' one) are very similar to the figures illustrated by the boys' graph. In the girls' case, 53% are related to sports and 10% are dedicated to listening to music.
Finally, it is important to note that sports activities in boys' case include Basketball, Soccer and Skateboarding and regarding to girls it encompass Gymnastics, Dancing and Netball.
Many people leave their home country in order to try a different style of life abroad. This behavior can be seen through distinct views and also has advantages and disadvantages.
Living far away from our family and our friends can be a very challenger task. It is very likely that people who are living in different countries feel a lot of homesickness. Also, when living in unknown countries, sometimes, we need to adapt ourselves to the local culture, what can be a hard process. For example, people can suffer a lot in countries where foods are completely different from the ones that they are used to eat. In the same way, the weather can be a problem. Imagine how terrible is for a Brazilian, who lives with a 30C average temperature, to live in a European country, where usually it occurs temperatures below 0C.
On the other hand, by living in a different country, we can earn in a lot of aspects. By knowing different places and people, it is possible to improve our cultural baggage. Maybe, it can be an excellent opportunity to work in a job where a big amount of knowledge can be acquired. For example, in developed countries the industries use technological tools that are not used in other countries. To know this news can be very fruitful. Perhaps, in a foreign country, it is possible to find a job that pays higher salaries than the salaries that are paid in our home country. It can be a nice way to improve the income during a period.
Finally, we must recognize that living abroad can be a challenger and difficult experience. However, it is also likely that many good opportunities happen. Surely, when in a different country from our home country, we need to be prepared to face the hard moments in the best way and also we must be aware to enjoy all the amazing opportunities that a situation as this can offer.
The two pie charts depict the percentage of young male and female people which share their spare time joining in cultural and leisure activities
U should consider TIME, PLACE, and GENERAL TREND in the introduction of the IELTS writing task one. Where was the investigation conducted? When? mention the studied years. Write the general trend of the data (decreasing or increasing trend)
Start each paragraph with an appropriate phrase such as "meanwhile", "Another significant fact is that ..", "the figures are also indicative of the fact that ..", and the like.
For reporting the data try to use various supporting sentences. In the essay u just put the data in the parentheses. There are different ways that you can report the results that I wrote them below :
1) Direct way : Directly mention the results in the sentence. For example :"The pie charts reveals that males spend 54% of their spare time on sport activities."
2) Non-defining clause
3) Use brackets (as u used in the essay)It is interesting to note that the shares related to sport activities and related to listening to music showed by the second graph (the girls' one) are very similar to the figures illustrated by the boys' graph
Revise this sentence. It is confusing
Avoid repetition. U used "in the case" and "related to" for several times.Many people leave their home country in order to try a different style of life abroad. This behavior can be seen through distinct views and also has advantages and disadvantages.
The introduction should start with a motivator and then write the thesis statement.
