Hello, i have written IELTS writing task 2 essay. Can you please give me feedback and kindly tell me where i need to do correction.
I need to get 7 band so if you can give point for this essay that would be great.
essay:
Some people say that mobile phone plays a major role in their professional life. Others say it plays a more important role in their personal life. Discuss both sides. What is your opinion?
Communication is a major issue of today's advanced world. Every body is connected to each other via some sort of medium (communicating medium) such as mobile phones. In today's global market, it acts as a vital role in their professional life. Whereas, some people think it plays more important in personal life. This is a very hot topic now a days, I will be talking on both aspects and will be presenting my views.
Due to the open market strategy and advancement of technology business is being operated worldwide around the clock. So, communication is vital for them and need to contact employee which by the help of mobile can be done in a second. For example, e-bay store, people from all over the world can do shopping and get their stuff at their doorstep. To make this happen e-bay team should do well communication to its team which includes shipping, packing staffs. On the other hand, it will affect their personal life, which they need to compromise for the sake of their professional career. They need to be standby every time and cannot allocate their time to their family. Sometimes, this will lead them to the frustration. Mobile phones do have many useful application and software by the help of which top-level management can use it in their business such as currency converter, skype, generating maps applications.
Mobile phone help us to connect to our friends and families locally as well as globally. The advancement of mobile phones and cheap service charge make it possible for everybody to use it. For example, communication between a friend which is doing his study abroad can be possible by mobile phones. But, the bonding and true relationship can not be achieved by voice call only, so in that case face to face communication to loved one is considered to be the best option.
In conclusion, after going through both the aspects of the mobile phones, I can clearly see the advantages of using mobile phone in professional life rather than using in personal life is more. So, in my view mobile phone plays a major role in professional life.
now a days - nowadays
So, communication is vital for them(for whom) and need to... (If u mean business, u need to sayfor it )
ANYWAY, well done.
Your I/P:
It's better to combine the first 2 (even 3) sentences into 1 for a complete thoughts.
In academic writing for IELTS, try to use more formal vocabulary, my suggestion to use DRAMATICALLY, SIGNIFICANTLY or some others i/o VERY.
Combine the last compound sentence into a complex one to make it coherence.
