Here are my suggestions:
"There is a general belief that children who come from rich families (referred to here as "rich children") are always happier than those who come from poorer families. Rich children have luxury things and good living environments, which parents with lower income cannot afford. It makes people think that they must be happier than their friends. However, from my point of view, I disagree with this thought.
Children who come from a rich and well-educated family are usually expected and desired to excel in their school work. They are not allowed to get any mark but "A"s. Beside that, they also have to excel in their social activities. Their parents pin all their hopes on them. Being a "good" child, instead of balancing their time to play and study, these rich children must push themselves hard to be successful. If they are not successful or fail in any aspect, they could bring disgrace on their family and become an ignominy of these families. Otherwise, children from normal families can make their parents proud of them simply because they have passed their primary school leaving exam. For these children, happiness is much simple than their friends who come from rich families.
In a family with a high income, parents usually do not realise that their children not only need their money but their love. They are usually busy working and leave their responsibility of taking care of their children for nursemaids. As a result, children from rich families usually lack love and "family atmosphere". They tend to not share their feeling with parents when they are in their teenage years, as they think their parents will not listen to them when they are busy working. It will be worse when they have nobody beside them when they need a piece of advice, so they do what they think, and go on the wrong way. Rich children usually land in impasses, feel unhappy, and disappointed because they do not know what to do. In spite of that, children from families with lower income more oftentimes can ask their parents for advice, and their parents always are there to share their feelings. They never have to solve their problems on their own. In addition, these children know how to share their feelings and it makes them happier than rich children, who cannot say that they are depressed and then keep this feeling inside them forever.
In conclusion, I hold firm to my belief that rich children are not happier than children from poorer families. Whether they are happy or not depends on the way they were brought up, no matter which families they come from."
You make some very valid points here. If you would like to add more content, you could explore more into why it is that these poorer families have stronger ties than the rich ones. Is there a dependent need for them to stick together that the more economically secure families do not have? Are their familial values different? How?
Your conclusion is also very good.