IELTS Academic - (more time improving their academic performance)

Hello,

I would like to help me improve my writing skills. Please any comments and corrections are very welcome.
Thank you once more time!

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?[/b]

Nowadays, an increasing number of young people claim that they are engaged to spend far more time improving their academic performance than in the past. As a result, their leisure time is significantly limited. There are variable factors that cause this "phenomenon".

First of all, children usually are pressured by their parents to ameliorate their grades at school from a very young age. This is because parents believe that this is the only key for their children to enter to university which can provide them all the needed qualifications for a well-paid, prospective job. Moreover, in recent years job market has become so competitive that a potential employee is obliged to further develop and enhance his professional status, for example, by accomplishing a postgraduate education. In addition, current lifestyle including expensive cars, luxurious houses and all high technology conveniences lead teenagers to focus extensively on their studies so as to be successful and satisfy all these fictitious needs. All above factors have resulted in reducing the free time of young people almost to the zero.

One solution to the problem is to help parents recognise the adverse impact of their stressful attitude towards their children. School consultants and psychologists should inform parents that too much pressure can lead the young people to anxiety disorders or even to depression. Teenagers should also be encouraged to follow a proper lifestyle and find a reasonable amount of leisure time per week so as to have a balanced life. Another effective measure could be for the government to invest in the foundation of numerous innovative educational programmes which can help young people gain a competitive edge more easily and without sacrificing their free time.

To sum up, it is important family and society recognise the limitation of children's leisure time as a problem, so as causative factors can be identified and corrective measures can be taken, too.

Nowadays, an increasing number of young people claim that they are engaged in spending far more time improving their academic performance than in the past.

First of all, children are usually pressured by their parents to ameliorate their grades at school from a very young age.

This is because parents believe that this is the only key for their children to enter a university which can provide them all the needed qualifications for a well-paying , prospective job.

Moreover, in recent years the job market has become so competitive that a potential employee...

In addition, current lifestyles including having expensive cars, luxurious houses and all high technology conveniences...

All the above factors have resulted in reducing the free time of young people almost to the zero.

To sum up, it is important for families and society torecognize the limitation of children's leisure time...

This reminds me of a John Lennon song;

As soon as you're born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be...

Good luck with school! Good essay!

:)

Thank you so much for the help!!! I appreciate it..
Beautiful song :)))