can anyone revise my essay
"Cultural revolution is going to revolutionize our societies and its related concepts" my social science professor said ten years ago. It is a matter of fact that our societies are reflections of our minds. In other word, since we live based on our attitudes and thoughts, our societies formed based on these. By this introduction, in the rest of my essay I contend that young people yet devote some time to help their societies to make it better for three reasons.
The most significant reason is that, young people usually prefer to devote their time just for helping their own local communities. In fact nowadays extending the communities -in sense of its population- brings up more complex relationships between people which inherently lead to forming many small local communities. Moreover, it is obvious that everyone who belongs to a community should do his best to make his community better. So although it seems that in such a society no one helps the others, but actually there are some local activities which people's contributions confine to them.
Another equally point is that, community's definition has been changed over past decades. For example consider a social network like Facebook where you can simply communicate with anyone you like by just a few clicks. In comparison with clubs, cafes, pubs and stuffs like these, social networks are much more extensive and they are accessible anywhere and anytime you want, easier and cheaper. All of these facilities alter the traditional meaning of community for young people, and as a result they spend their time and energy to those modern communities.
It is also important to bear in mind that young people's attitude toward life has changed over past decades. For example nowadays young people tend to do work while they are studying. In this way they are obliged to increase their efficiency which necessitates them to dedicate more time to do their tasks. Apparently, by this attitude they diverge from traditional communities which results to seeming decrease in their contribution to help those communities. But it is not true to conclude that young people do not give enough time to helping their communities. In fact their attention is converged to modern and attractive communities like social networks.
To recapitulate, I champion my idea about this viewpoint that young people still participate in helping their communities. Furthermore I point out since youth's attitude toward the meaning of community and society has changed, they do differently in comparison with other generations. Aside from my points of view, psychologists suggest young people to participate more in actual relationships to build their character and increase their emotional qualifications.
Hi :)
Actually you have written a good essay, you have nice sentences and you used very good vocabulary. However I can not see how it is connected to the task.
As I understand you are asked to describe how young people are involved in helping their communities. In your each paragraph you describe some type of community and say that young people has contributions in these communities, but you do not say how these contributions are expressed. For example how young people who use Facebook help their community? I think you need to be more precise, also you can bring some examples which will prove your position to be true.
I agree with xatutik. While you presented a well thought out essay. There was a failure on your part to fully understand and respond to the requirements of the essay prompt. The prompt required you to discuss ways and means by which young people participate in helping their communities. The help that they provide could be in the form of community service, such as volunteering at the local hospital to help entertain the patients. Or helping an old neighbor with her chores. Maybe even joining a local charity organization or Big Brother / sister program to help watch over the younger members of the community. Even their help during disasters and calamities could be a good point of discussion for this essay. Instead you make very vague references to ways that the youth "might" be able to participate in helping the community. I have given you an insight into how you can revise your essay to better suit the prompt. I suggest that you use these as a guide when doing so in order to properly align the content of your discussion with the prompt :-)
