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IELTS writing_International sporting occasions help to ease international tensions


answers: 4
Hi everyone, this is my IELTS essay. Pls read it and give me some comments. Thanks:

Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

International sporting events are a good change to create a multi-nation community of fans having the same passion. It will help people around the world understand each other more. Since, international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

An international sporting event is normal held in a country with huge interest from fans all over the world. For the time of occasions, people regardless of nationality, origin and religion will live together. People can understand more about a country, it is useful to ease tensions between nations. For example in FIFA World Cup 2010, the relation between North Korea and South Korea is dangerous for the warship sinking. The world suspected North Korea of the aggressive action. However, due to this event North Korea showed a friendship and enthuasism. It is rare times when people can learn about this country. It really help to alleviate the tension.

Besides easing tensions, an international sporting event also helps fans release patriotic emotions in a safe way. When they garther together to encourage their team, they will show their patriotic emotions. Regardless of the competition between teams, their emotions are always released in a safe way due to the sole passion of the sport. Moreover, all fans know that a sport event will attract the attention of whole the world and a lot of public media. They will try to create a beautiful image about their land and people. In Olympic Beijing 2008, Chinese tried thier best to bring the world a spectacular image about their country. First of all, foreigners came here always received the support of friendly volunteers who were young students. They were welcomed by each Chinese hospitality, beauty in each cities. Everythings is created by patriotic emotions of Chinese who wanted to bring a beautiful China to the world.

In conclusion, International sporting events will draw the international concern. It will make the world more peaceful by easing internation tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

Jul 25, 2010, 08:41am   #
International sporting events are a good chance -- I think you wanted to write "chance", as "change" does not fits the sentence -- to create a multinational community of fans having the same passion. It will help people around the world understand each other better, since international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

ngcanh:
An international sporting event is normally held in a country with huge interest from fans all over the world
I didn't get what you meant. It comes like the country acquires interest from fans, not the event.
For the time of occasions, people regardless of nationality, origin and religion will live together

People can understand more about a country. -- this is your topic sentence, so put it in the beginning of the para. -- It is (what?) useful to ease tensions between nations--this is reiteration; you ought to paraphrase it in order to avoid copying the topic every time.
Btw, two part of the sentence does not have relation to each other, so it's not advisable to put them together in one sentence. May be this is because they provide two different ideas, each of which can serve as a distinct topic sentence.

For example during FIFA World Cup 2010, the relations between North Korea and South Korea is dangerous for were aggravated due to the warship sinking. The world suspected North Korea of the aggressive action. However, due to this event Despite apprehension, North Korea showed demonstrated a friendship and enthuasism. It is a rare occasion when people can learn about this country. It really helps to alleviate the tension.

When they garther together to encourage their team, they will show their patriotic emotions.
Moreover, all fans know that a sport event will attract the attention of whole the world and a lot of public media.

ngcanh:
In Olympic Beijing 2008, Chinese tried their best to bring the world a spectacular image about their country. First of all, foreigners came here always received the support of friendly volunteers who were young students. They were welcomed by each Chinese with hospitality. beauty in each cities. Everythings was created by patriotic emotions of Chinese people who wanted to bring image of beautiful China to the world.

this part deviates from the topic sentence.

In conclusion, International sporting events will draw the international concern. They will make the world more peaceful by easing internation tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
Jul 25, 2010, 08:47am   #
This is a good essay, you addressed the topic well and had nice examples :-)

International sporting events are a good chance to create a multi-national community of fans who have the same passion. It will help people around the world understand each other more. Since, International sporting occasions are essential, in that they ease international tensions and release patriotic emotions in a safe way.

An international sporting event is normally held in a country with huge interest from fans all over the world. For the time of occasions, people, regardless of nationality, origin and religion, will live together. Since people can learn more about another country, it is useful to eases tensions between nations. For example, in FIFA World Cup 2010, the relations between North Korea and South Korea were dangerous because of the sunk warship. The world suspected North Korea of the aggressive action. However, due to this event, North Korea showed a friendship and enthuasism. There are rare times when people have the opporunity to learn about this country. It really helped to alleviate the tension.

ngcanh:
with huge interest from fans all over the world

Are you saying that the interest is in the country or the game?

Besides easing tensions, an international sporting event also helps fans release patriotic emotions in a safe way. When fans garther together to encourage their team, they will show their patriotic emotions. Regardless of the competition between teams, their emotions are always released in a safe way due to the sole passion of the sport. Moreover, all fans know that a sport event will attract the attention of whole the world and a lot of public media. They will try to create a beautiful image about their land and people. In the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the Chinese tried thier best to bring the world a spectacular image of their country. First of all, foreigners who came here always received the support of friendly volunteers who were young students. They were welcomed by each Chinese hospitality and the beauty of the cities. Everythings was created by the patriotic emotions of Chinese who wanted to bring a beautiful China to the world.

In conclusion, international sporting events will draw the concerns of the international community. They will make the world more peaceful by easing internation tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
ngcanh:
I will study carefully to write a better essay next time.

This is already a good essay. You showed that you understand the prompt, and you responded clearly:
It really helped to alleviate the tension.--- this is very good, because it shows that you understand the prompt.

Do you understand azeri's corrections?

For example:
Change chance

Excellent ending!!!
It will make the world more peaceful by easing internation tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
But it should say this:
It will make the world more peaceful by easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.



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