Try to show how the emotions and feelings of the children change as they leave their old home behind and arrive at their new home for the first time.
3939.Adam Froster remembered this set of numbers so deeply as if they were scars left in his heart, he knew his life changed because of them.
3rd of September 1939 , World War 2 had begun . The Nazi party in Germany came into control of the government. Laws were passed that made the skies dark for all the Jewish population. At that time , Adam was 14 years old , his younger brother was only 6. Those laws had a tremendous effect on them , they were not allowed to go to school ! Their parents were alarmed , fearing that the worst had yet to come. They packed their children's belongings and sent them to Holland.
Adam knew what was going on when he saw his parents panicking . He has to go ! Adam went downstairs ,step by step , hand touching the walls . He remembered his childhood ; running down stairs in early dusk to play with his friends ; paintings he used to hang on ; cried because of the scoldings he has gotten. The more steps he took , the more memories came flashing into his mind . Tears rolled down his cheeks , he balled his fist , not wanting to take a further step as he knows , the next step would seperate him from this families , friends , and this lovely , memorable home. A fog of discontent flooded him.
'What are you doing ? Where are we going ? Brother ? ' Tim popped out and asked.
Adam wiped his tears.
'We are going travelling! '
'Yea ! "
In Holland , Adam and his brother gave the good-bye kiss. Wishing good luck. Deep in Adam's heart , he knew , this was the last ; Tim was so excited he kept looking out of the window and waves hands. " Such joyful spirit " Adam thought
Their next memory was waiting at the Liverpool train Station. Waiting for a foster parent to adopt them. Fortunately , after seeing children left one by one, a middle-aged man took him in his shoulders and went off. Adam's and Tim's home was a great mansion with colourful flowers decorating it . But that didn't cheer Adam's spirit up , it did for Tim.
Every afternoon , Tim would be playing with his foster parent's children, Jake , Jim and Shelly . Even though Tim doesn't speak English , he communicates with sign language. At this time , Adam would sit in his room looking at his happy , immature brother enjoying himself. Adam was feeling homesick . The bread was white , table manners were different . Everything Was . Mr Richard didn't want to disturb him and let him adjust to his new lifestyle .Darkness filled his heart.
Lonely and memories were the only friend he had.
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PS : I am only a year 9 student ( 15 yr ) and my teacher gave me a 28.5/30 for this essay. But i dont find this essay as good as the marks she gave . Anyone help me who help me make some improvement would be appreciated .
Out of 10 how much would i get ? i welcome negative comments
I would love to help out with your questions :)
I can provide you with some feedback. I'm not sure why you were given that score. Sometimes if your essay is organized and you have done good research, this could contribute to a higher score.
First, used the first set of numbers in a sentence. Ex: "Adam Forster remembered his numbers, 3939, so deeply..." Then start a new sentence: " He knew his life changed..." Also, you have to read the essay to grasp the meaning of those numbers. The reader can make an inference or guess but it is never fully explained.
If you are using sources, I would suggest giving credit to the sources in your essay if you are required to do so. For example, I would write: September 3,1939. If this was quoted, you could simply use quotation marks to indicate this came from a source. The reader can acknowledge that these are not your words. This could have an impact on your score.
In the 2nd paragraph, you could have written: "the worse was yet to come or the worst trials were ahead"
There are many errors in spacing. This can be easily fixed. Ex: However, (Press the space bar after the comma not before the comma).
Follow the same format for punctuation.
There are some incomplete sentences. "Wishing good luck." No one is identified. " Waiting for a foster parent to adopt them" This sentence should have been joined with the previous sentence" Ex: "...Liverpool train station for a foster parent to adopt them." Part of the first and second sentence are combined to convey meaning. "Everything was" What happens?
Those are some mistakes with your essay that needed improvement.
- ...fearing that the worst hadhas yet to come.
- 'We are going travellingto travel ! '
-... Adam and his brother gave thetheir good-bye kiss.
- ...out of the window and waves his hands.
- " Such a joyful spirit "..
- ...Everything Waswas .
- LonelyLoneliness and precious memories were the only friends he had.
I will rate your story at 9 as for me it's almost perfect, I hope my remarks help.
