Hello Stacy.
I had a pleasant time reading your essay. Thank you for you efforts~
Your essay is very well organized and fluent. There are hardly any grammar mistakes, your usage of vocabulary is average, it is neat. A good man's job.
Nevertheless, your 1st body is a little strange to me. The title said 'Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other
important professions'Important professions. Your first body is supposed to state that sports athletes should not get paid more than important people because their occupation isn't as important as theirs.
And yes, your example of a teacher gaining less income than athletes is a valid point but there was nothing stated about how it was unfair that teachers are paid less despite having a more important job. The way you described,
As a result, people think that it is unfair as teachers spend all day for teaching, preparing teaching material, and preparing questions for quizes,
isn't really part of the argument, the title. Instead if you said, something like,
Moreover, people think it is unjustified as teachers, whose occupation is far more crucial than a sports star's are getting less paid.
Or something like that.
Other than that, I don't see another problem in your essay.
Hope this helps! I would also appreciate it if you took a look at my essays as well~ Thanks!