IELTS:Working people are busy -don't have time for family and friends; severe consequences

Topic:
Many people are busy with work and do not have enough time to spend with family and friends. Why does this happen? What are the effects of this on family life and society as a whole?

My essay:

In the modern society, people are being tied up by their work, which leads to lack of family time and friend reunion. The cause of this situation has rouses a massive concern of the public. From my point of view, this phenomenon roots in the increasing competition and prevalence of hi-tech devices.

Accompanied with the globalization, new the employees are facing competition not only from their city or their nation, but also from all around the world. If they do not put their best into the job, they would fail to keep pace with their peers, thus they might end up losing their job. It is understandable that after an exhausting work day, people would prefer taking a break rather than attending some social activities.

Although information technology provides people convenience and efficiency, it has negative effects on the way that we communicate with friends. We can access the internet and accomplish most of our needs, both personal issues and professional assignments, anytime as long as there is 3G connection. In the past, when we needed to have a talk with friends, we must go to their house, but now all we need is a phone call, a text message or even an online chat. So the time that we spent with friends is inevitably cut down.

The shortage of domestic hours and interpersonal activities may have severe consequence for both family and society. The relationship between husband and wife, parent and children may be ruined, and harmony harbor, which the family should be, would just be an unrealistic imagination. Those who do not have sufficient social communications may found themselves isolated, and they might cultivate the anti-social personality that is detrimental to the whole society.

hi
in this essay u can also right about the level of thinking of new generation thinking they are more concern regarding their friends rather than parents or relatives

In the modern society, people have become very busy with their work and this phenomenon has led them to have less time to be with their families and friends.


... wrong grammar - has roused


...
this phenomenon is due to the increased competition in society and usage of hi-tech devices.


Although information technology offers us convenient and efficient solutions, it has negatively affected the way we interact with family and friends.

I wish you split this sentence into two. You write pretty well, but your sentences tend to be a bit too long. That disturbs the clarity and flow of your writing !


....well, the first part sounds a bit too technical :D
Limitations in the time spent with family and friends may have severe negative consequences for both the individuals and society.

the new employees...


After reading the intro, I think you'd better rewrite it. Here do I show you.
Today, working condition has changed the way of people life. Some people spend many hours at work. This affects quality time with family and friends. I would argue that the competition for job and modern electronic inventions shift people' attention away from interpersonal activities.

I like you writing, by the way. Also ,I think this is a good idea not to use lots of the connective words. And you did :D

However, you should pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.

Hope this helps :D