Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7


IELTS 2 Working hoursare toolong and people don't have time for family


Natalia1988 4 / 10  
Jul 14, 2014   #1
Prompt: working hours today are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families and on leisure activities. What's your opinion on this?

Personally, I tend to think that people spend even more time at work because of several reasons. It is certainly true that competition is stronger than in the past and people have the necessity to be always abreast about news in their field. Some people choice voluntarily to do so, while others are, simply, workaholic or compelled to work harder by their senior staff like a strictly chief.

There are a number of problems that overworked involves. First of all, family and social life could be affected from this. After a long day of work, maybe individual just wants to have rest and relax and does not enjoy the company of their friends as well as family. People usually do not have time neither for themselves and often use their spare time to keep on working. In my opinion this attitude rise situations such as alienation and individualism in the modern society. Most of people, instead, could argue that to achieve success and the highest point of the power ladder you must spend all the time just working.

From my point of view, overworked has serious effects on children. Parents often spend time at work thinking that more they earn more they can give to their children. In addition, they think that their children will excuse them for this absence. Actually, I think that children need attentions and the chance to grow up with their parents. Often, it could be read on newspaper about children and teenagers, in general, who think that their parents do not love them and that their priority is the work and not their wellness or the relationship with them.

In conclusion, I think people are led to work so much time in order to achieve goals or because they are forced to do that. In addition, overworked is resulted in the overlooked of their family and friends, risking to feel alienate. Besides, it might crack the relationship with their kids, who could think that their beloved parents do not care about them. Personally, I tend to think that nowadays it is even more difficult to divide time between work and personal life especially for the strongest competition but that people should start to think about the worthy important things in their life.

They are 377 words. Too much? Could you correct, please? Thanks a million :)
Koit 2 / 7  
Jul 14, 2014   #2
#1 Nice word choice
#2 Have a thesis answering the prompt directly... try combining your ideas to something like "Although, there is a significant increase in competition or predispositions (ex: workaholic), the inclining work hours have rather dire social consequences on people and should be limited" and continue from there

#3 Work on your organization: answer the pros to working long hours first then continue to why they aren't enough to the number of cons rather than going back and forth

#4 Use better transitions, it really effects your flow
#5 Nice ideas
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 14, 2014   #3
First, I have an admin request for you - You should have opened this thread in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS essays. This essay has been moved from Essays forum to Writing Feedback.

Personally, I tend to think that people spend even moretoo much time at work because ofdue to several reasons.
OP Natalia1988 4 / 10  
Jul 15, 2014   #4
Thanks a million Koit for your suggestions.

Sorry dumi I didn't mean not to follow rules. I will pay more attention when I choice the field. Thanks for you advice as well.
eirehc 4 / 6  
Jul 15, 2014   #5
Hi! I think it is a good thing that you have examples per paragraph, which makes your stand recognizable. However, the ideas should be more organized. In stating the conclusion, it should be short and concise like, summarizing your ideas and reaffirming your stand.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 15, 2014   #7
Sorry dumi I didn't mean not to follow rules. I will pay more attention when I choice the field. Thanks for you advice as well.

That's ok .... We instruct everybody to follow the rules so that it makes our lives easy to manage the house keeping part ...lol

There are a number of problems that overworked involves.

Try to give more focus to the idea and convey it directly;
Overwork causes many problems.
First of all, family and social life could be negatively affected from thisby this. After a long day of work, maybe individual just wants to have rest and relax and does notit is not easy for one to enjoy the company of their friends as well as family due to fatigue.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 Working hoursare toolong and people don't have time for family
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳