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IELTS Essay - Well qualified graduates without employement


Axed 2 / 5  
Jun 13, 2014   #1
Hello again, this is my second essay on a following topic:
In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment.
What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?

In today, modern world people want to achieve more than at any time ever. This is why young persons decide to attend to university, or college. Unfortunatelly, many of them face a lot of issues, with one, most difficult for them- unemployement. In many countries, young, enthusiastic and highly qualified graduates can not find a job- this is not only a problem for young persons, but for a whole society as well.

To begin, it must be said that employement is well correlated with economic situation in country. If there are no enough companies and demand for graduates, obviously, they will not find a job. As far as I am concerned, government should reduce taxes in order to encourage citizens, to start their own business, which will lead to create more job opportunities by fast- growing industry.

Secondly, government could pay subsidies for companies, per every employed graduate. This would encourage industry to give a job more young people and help them to quickly become integrated with the labour market. This would not only help graduates, but also the whole society by reduced unemployment rate.

Thirdly, to say nothing of aside from finding a solution, there must be found a source problem. For instance, in my country, most of the universities do not teach students how to look for a job, write a curriculum vitae and other, necessary in further life skills. They concentrate on a theory, rather than teaching them more practicall skills. Furthermore, next source problem is a students' thinking. Most of them do not want to work during their course, or take a placement year, so their work history is empty when they graduate.

Taking everything into account, it is not easy to find one, straight solution for a problem stated in the topic. But, I am also convinced that changing students' way of thinking by academic tutors and few government's changes, can bring wonderful affects in the future. So more graduates will be prepared for their dream job' requirements and they will know how to achieve them.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 13, 2014   #2
qualified graduates can not find a job- this is

don't write 'cannot' with space

As far as Iam concerned, government should reduce taxes in order to encourage citizens, to start their own business,

be careful with the using of active and passive sentence, please correct your structure again

also, where is the conclusion?
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Jun 13, 2014   #3
In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment.
What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?

Degree is not guarantee for getting a job. The number of idleness increases significantly in some globalized and non-globalized countries. There are several causes of this alarming trend, but measures could certainly be taken to tackle the problem.

To begin,

Secondly,

Thirdly,

Those connector indicate shopping list.
If I were you, I will explain the causes in the body paragraph 1 and some solution in the second body paragraph.
OP Axed 2 / 5  
Jun 14, 2014   #4
Fikri thank You very much again :). I was sure that sentence: 'as far as I am concerned' means, in other words 'in my opinion'. So I would be more than happy if You would explain me what is wrong with this sentence.

And thanks TiaDS, You are right, I need to learn some more connectors. By the way, I know it is difficult to mark an essay, but if anyone have got an idea what mark my essay would get on IELTS exam I would be happy to know :)

And conclusion in my essay was: But, I am also convinced that changing students' way of thinking by academic tutors and few government's changes, can bring wonderful affects in the future.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 10, 2014   #5
In today, modern world people want to achieve more than at any time ever.

This is not a very clearly presented idea :( You need to have a more interesting statement to open your essay. Your hook should be more interesting, catchy and meaningful.

This is why young persons decide to attend tothe university, or college. Unfortunatelly, many of them face a lots of issues, with one, most difficult for them- unemployement.unemployment.


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